Tug-O-War... Part 3

I know I know, this makes the 3rd post I've made about my depression progress so if you are all bored with it, feel free to move on...No hard feelings...

    This bout with the black hole is stretching on way too long, going on 3 months now...I struggle every day to keep positive, have positive thoughts but at times the old me slips in...Yes, I am trying to remake myself...I don't like the negative me and I'm hell to live with when I'm like that...and yes, I've come REALLY far in 3 months from staying in bed and sleeping 24/7, crying at every waking moment, not eating, not showering, not combing my hair, never leaving the house and the "saftey" of my bedroom. I was a total train wreck when it began.
Today I get up, say hi to my FB friends, take my shower and plan my day...Only one problem here, some days I still don't want to do anything...Just sit and stare like a bump on a log...and think..Thinking can REALLY stir up the shit in my head. I'm still getting confused and unfocused but not nearly as bad as in the beginning...

    Yesterday was good, I kept busy all day and actually accomplished some things...The day before was WONDERFUL as I spent the day  with my BFF...So I'd say my days are about 60/40 of good to bad...I'm winning the battle, just not the war...yet...

    The thing I hate the most about depression is that it can last for months, and for months I fight back, it's exhausting at times and I finally reach the end and in a split second it can come back anytime it wants and over extend it's stay...Along with depression I have Social Anxiety...I've always had it, even when I was small...Don't like crowds, don't mingle well, don't have the "gift of gab", don't like people behind me in any situation, kinda the wall flower type with a Pitbull temper...Don't fuck with me or mine and all will be fine...

    And so today, as my brain has been looking forward to the party I am to attend, I have chickened out...Not going...Not far enough in my recovery process to handle a bunch of strangers...I will drop off her gift early and lie to her...Later I will tell her the truth...Sorry Anna but there are just some things that I hate to admit and "mental illness" is at the top of the list...

    I'm still going to venture out and run some errands, early, like NOW, before the crowds hit the stores and then I will stay home, safe and find something to do...I STILL haven't power cleaned that kitchen or I could paint...Whatever,  I'm determined to stay positive today...Healing, one inch at a time...
I love you all...

Update..."Tug-O-War"

My last blog was almost a month ago and I want to share my progress. It's been slow moving, for sure...One step forward, two steps back...
I've been really concentrating on thinking positive thoughts but some days the negative just takes over and I can't seem to shake it off. Isn't that how it's "supposed" to be? Up and down, up and down...or is that Bi-Polar?
I haven't actually been diagnosed with it but am certainly taking all the meds for it...Mental Disorder...I have a problem with that concept and always have...Society stigmatizes you for it, or being fat, or diabled, or ugly...Society sucks actually and just yesterday I went OFF on hubby as he tried to drag me to a personal business meeting...FUCK NO! I WON"T GO..."I HATE dealing with people, fuck, I don't even LIKE people and after 38 years I'd think you'd know that," I screamed at him...I so dislike getting like that...It means I've lost control of me but I have SO much on my plate right now since his heart attack and forms and searching for shit, faxing, writing letters, researching, dispensing pills in dosages not only for him but for his mother and myself too...While he sits in his chair and watches TV! and tells me VERY UNconvincingly how grateful he is...Yeah, right, just fuck off...

Damn, got off track there but it feels good to vent...So anyway, I've started painting again and lose myself for hours, but I still have the kitchen to power clean before I can say "done." It's taken me so long to spring clean this year that the 1st room is getting webby again already...It's not entirely my fault, it's been a circumstance thing...First I was in AZ for 7 weeks in the spring loving my new family but losing my sissi , then I was home 5 days and my brother died. Then a month to the day later hubby had 2 heart attacks.  It's been a constant whirlwind of Dr.s, rehab, re-checks, and mounds of paperwork which I threw all in a pile and tried to ignore...All things considered I've been ok, not so depressed now but edgy...I always get edgy when the bills aren't paid and with him not working they are piling up...
My biggest fear in life is to be homeless, so I fight with everything I've got to make sure that doesn't happen...I got my shit together the last few days and made some phone calls and got some bills dropped down...Made arrangements with others and still have a couple bucks left for food...Yay me, I actually FUNCTIONED! But would you think anyone here would notice? No, just harp on me about what NEEDS to be done, while you sit in your chair and watch tv...
Now I have to admit he's getting better about cleaning up the kitchen lately but it's only because he doesn't want me to "blow"...I don't even want me to blow...No one does, it's not a pretty site and it's yet another thing that I'm working on...
Some good friends have sent me some good reading on self help...It's helped me before so I'm using it again...I'm really trying here...
Another thing is the atmosphere here...Hubby is grumpy and snappy 95% of the time...I've now graduated to just silently getting up, gathering my stuff, cigs, phone, ipod, water and shut myself in my room...I love my room and he leaves me alone...My "voice of reason" son David actually got a little peeved the other day when that happened and came in my room and said, "Mom, don't you EVER let him run you out of a room." I said "that's not it, I CHOOSE not to deal with him when he gets that way." He's been "that way" 2 days this week already...But I've graduated from feeding into him wanting to argue to just walking away...When it's not so frickin' hot I sit out on the deck and read...Perfectly content and let him sit inside and be miserable all by himself...
Yeah, so they're baby steps but going in the right direction...I am still working on not letting outside sources get me upset...It's so hard on me because I worry about EVERYONE, and have zero control over their situations...
Years ago I had a "friend" who said to me, "will you take the Godamned "may I help you" badge off for a day? I said, "you don't seem to mind it when it benefits you." We are no longer friends...
I have so much heart to give but it's pathetically sad when it goes unnoticed.
Shame on them...
Love you all and thanks for taking the time to read my blog...

Tug-O-War

The thermometer says it is 78*...I beg to differ and where is the sunshine they promised...But still I am out here on the deck, refuse to put on a sweater...I'll just sit here and blog...Maybe the sun will come...(or my laptop is going to get rained on!)

I'm blogging today about my depression so if this is not something that interests you just move on...I've fought it since I was 16 years old but was not diagnosed until my early 40's. Yes, I'm on many meds for it but at times it's not enough...I never see it coming, it just jumps up and slaps me down. Sometimes I can bounce right back up and others can take months. These are the ones that scare me, the ones that take months. That is why I fight so hard when it knocks me down, I don't WANT to be in that black hole for months...Been there, done that, not fun...(DAMN, it's cold out here!)

My depressions go like this...One day, la la la la la, feeling great, next day can't get out of bed, cry, sleep...No housework, no meals, no company, no smiles...Step 2 is trying to figure out WHY...But I have to be awake for that, nope, don't want to "think", just sleep...

Generally the sleeping part lasts for a few days and my loving son will come and drag me out of bed and make me get up...I HATE that! I just want to sleep, godammit! But no, he makes me get up...Of course he is gone alot so as soon as he leaves I'm back in bed...As for hubby, he doesn't get it or care to...He just leaves me be and that's fine...at least I'm not dealing with him and his incessant need to always be fucking right...

I'm am, right at this moment, doing the balancing act...Will I slide farther down, or climb out?
It's iffy...But at least I'm #1, out of bed, #2, showered, #3 dressed and #4 outside...Those are HUGE steps when I'm down...) Oh, and I even combed my hair and yesterday I  went grocery shopping. Never mind that I ran through the store like a mad woman because I wanted to get home and back in my bed...I spent the rest of the day and night there...No regrets...

Being depressed is especially hard when you've been up...Losing weight, being more active, having all of my yearly check-ups and getting good results for a change... I have much to be thankful for but it seems that it gets pushed to the back when I'm depressed...I always want to be somewhere else...Never happy with where I am in life...Never content, always living with one foot out the door...ready to run, somewhere, anywhere...(and where is the godamned sunshine!)

I can't say what exactly triggered this episode...I haven't quite put my finger on it. I know I miss my family terribly, I just look and look at the pictures of us...US! Me included! WOW what a wonderful and loving family I have...Others are in awe of our love for one another, our closeness, our bond...I am in awe...it is all new to me and wonderful...I want to wrap us all up in a cocoon and never part...But I am here and they are there...Living their lives while mine has stalled...Stale...

People who have never been depressed could never understand and I HATE the ones who poo poo me and others like me. It's not our fault. It took me YEARS to "get it" and many many talks with my doctor who through love and concern has been very patient with me as I fight him on every new drug he offers...He has told me dozens of time that I need to "see a mental health professional."
Nope, been there too and yes it did actually help me but I am no longer interested in opening my life up to a new shrink...I can do it here, for free and writing always makes me feel better...It's like, it's documented and people will send me their love and support and that helps so very much...It's not like a "poor poor, me" thing...I just know when I need to write and when to share...This is theraputic for me and then I can move on to other things...Deeper things....And on the good days I can share myself in a good way...But sometimes it seems like those days are further and farther between..I'm working on it...

.My wonderful sister Patty taught me that when I'm down to read things that make me laugh..She recomended "Shit My Dad Says"...just ordered it on kindle...I'll be outside if you need me...HERE COMES THE SUN!!!!!!!

Love to all...

The Arizona Experience...part one

     You know, our Patty has been gone for over a month now...I kept a running diary of the 7 weeks that I spent with my family, the good the bad and the ugly and I was going to share it ALL with you...But as a woman of course I've changed my mind...I don't want to re-live the bad and the ugly...only the good,and there was much of it despite the circumstances...I'm trying to heal but will never forget and I feel that the private struggles of Patty have no business on my blog...She had her own blog and that is fine. Although she became increasingly ill and unable to blog it was still important to her that her followers
knew how she was doing...Patty was a true warrior princess, she rarely complained, or groaned and she always held her head high...I learned a lot from my baby sis on how to be strong but yet loving and brave...I had lost my "strong" years ago...I will blog about the happy, funny, interesting, unusual, trips, souvineers, but mostly about the love of a family...True, unconditional, unbreakable, and deep rooted love of one another...My family...I've never known of another with bonds so strong...It's almost like we can look into each others hearts and feel their emotions. Patty and I talked about it, "the connection". Patty got a painful IV while I was there...The inside of my wrist turned back and blue...Call it strange, bizarre, kooky...But it's real, for me and she had told me she had it too...We talked about many many things...I cherish those talks...She continues to walk within me...Warrior Woman...My Sis

     I've told you in recent blogs on how it was that we all came together. Patty... I've told you the circumstances of my life and how it came to be that I find my beautiful family...But for me it has been life-changing...They have always had each other, but although I am content in the love that has been offered to me in my own family, I've never known a love like this...Honestly, the only ones I've ever loved so intensley have been my children and that love is an entirely different lind of love...the love of a mother...

I'll write this over many blogs because there is so much to share...Here we go...

As I've stated before, Patty was completely in charge of her life...She knew what she wanted, what she needed to get done and whom to assign to each issue...She had stated that when she passed she wanted us to have a huge party with a band, a bagpiper and Irish Whiskey...Nope, changed her mind and SHE wants to attend! What a wonderful idea! She calls it her living wake party but it was close to her birthday and St. Patricks day so we do it. She is very ill about every other day at this point so we are planning, but not sure what the outcome will be...The guys, set up the tents and chairs, we decorate in the St. Patricks theme, make our dishes (everyone is bringing a dish) and hope she can do it...She has been incredibly ill all night but as per Patty, she bounces back, cuts her daytime meds so she can be alert but this also increases her pain. We plan the party to last from noon to 5pm, if my memory serves me correctly. Not a long time for a healthy person but an eternity for someone so ill...She makes it, stays up and alert for the entire thing...Dozens of friends, family, co-workers, hospice team, doctor, nurses and neighbors. She eats little bites of everything, visits with her loved ones, enjoys her bagpiper and band and says that the party was EXACTLY what she wanted...God love her and this family...

                                          The Irish Whiskey makes it's rounds...

                                                                  The Bagpiper

This next video is short but you have to watch Pattys face at the end as our sister makes a toast to her...

                                                                  Pattys Doctor

      I have to say a word about Jenny here...Jenny was a good friend to Patty, no matter where Patty was at the moment, hospital, hospice, home, Jenny would always find her and visit her...I had to chuckle at Jenny when I first met as her and her husband arrived at the party. The first thing she said to him was "are you driving?" When he said that he was, she immediately stood up and said, "well then, I'm getting a beer!" She also indulged in some Irish Whiskey...What a wonderful and loving woman...

                                                                

 I also have to talk about Christy...She is a survivor and wonderful friend of the family...She made many trips to see Patty...Patty had many many visitors while at home...When she was really feeling shitty I'd ask her if she wanted to see so and so...When I asked about Christy she said, "Yes, ALWAYS yes to Christy"...We love Christy...What a wonderful and loving person...

                   My wonderful siblings...Frank, Teresa. Patty (RIP) and Rob...I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

                                                           Patty and her Boyo

                           Mom runs out and gets the drumstick and gives it to      Patty...YAYYY MOM!

Today is Good...

It's time for a happy blog...It seems that I only blog when I'm struggling, pissed off or sad but today I am happy happy happy...I would have never imagined the excellant report I received from my doctor this morning...As most of you know I'm diabetic and he said at the rate that I am bringing my levels down that it is very possible that I will be able to come off the meds and become a non-diabetic...Holy shit...All of my blood work was great and the few areas that I constantly struggle with are coming down rapidly but not quite in the "normal" range...Hmmmm, The last thing I want to be is NORMAL! ...lol... My blood pressure was perfect, urine, the risky blood factors have dropped AND I had made him take a CA-125 which will show ANY type of uterine or ovarian cancers and it was non-exsistant...that was my main worry after losing Patty to that horrible decease...My mammo was fine too...Last year they called me back for an ultrasound and scared the shit outta me but all is well in that department too...WHOOOOO HOOOOO
Now if I can just quit smoking...cigarettes...I was in the beginning stages of Emphasema a year and a half ago...I cut back to 1/2 pack a day but need to stop completely as it makes me cough all night long...The hardest addictive behavior I've ever tried to break...I keep on trying to quit but never succeed...The longest I've quit in 46 years is 3 weeks...I'm thinking of going back on the patches...I've tried every prescription drug there is with no good results...
Still haven't gotten my pap and bone density test back but am hoping they are as good as the rest...My gyn put me on 1200mg of Calcium a day and I already take 2000mg of vitamin D3 but my regular Dr said that even my Vitamin D is way better...(it seems to help when you take your pills...lol)
I know so many of you are against perscription drugs or drugs of any kind...It has taken me literally years to get the combinations right but finally they are and it works for me...
I'll never be a vegan because I like  my beef, fish, chicken and pork but have cut quanities in half and don't eat them often...
Well, that's about it...I feel that I'm swinging into a new lifestyle and changes are coming...Good changes...My doctor has been with me for 30 years so he know me inside out and for him to say that he still is amazed by what I've done and can to once I set my mind to it...I told him when he first dianosed me with Diabetes that I would and have, changed it...For a minute I am proud of me...That doesn't come often or easily as I am usually my own worse enemy...Down on myself for my entire life...Time to look up Vic!

My Wonderful Family...meet them all

     Patty and my family are heavy on my mind today as 4 weeks have passed since losing her...When Donna and I drove out in February I didn't know anyone but Patty...She found me online about 10 years ago but although she had told her/our family about me she told me to give them time...They were resistant to actually meeting me or even have FB contact...It was ok...I was used to rejection and had spent many visits with Patty when she lived closer in Chicago...I never grilled her about our family, just loved her and accepted things as they were...
    Although we stayed in touch when she moved back to her home in AZ, we kind of drifted apart...She was working and raising her boyo, doing fine, had her own house and partied hardy with her biker/rock star boyfriend..Life was good... I had known she was diagnosed with cancer on her birthday in 2009 and I began keeping in closer touch...She went through her first surgery and round of Chemo and kept on working...She in the meantime had a heart attack and was facing a second round of Chemo...The first one had knock her out and she knew she couldn't work through the second round...She gave up her beautiful house and moved back into her old apts that she could afford...
    Last summer she was not having to do Dr visits, etc, so she took 3 weeks and took buses, planes, cars to everyone in the miswest that she wanted to see before she died...The Drs. wouldn't say she was "in remittion" but she felt well enough to travel, alone with her many meds...I was blessed that she came to my house...We spent 4 wonderful days together...Then on her last day here she asked me if I'd ever read her blogs..No, I hadn't, wasn't even aware that she blogged...So side by side we sat on my bed with our laptops, she doing her thing which was to read anything funny that would make her laugh...I began reading her blogs...I was shocked to read that she had been diagnosed Stage 3 Ovarian cancer when she was innitially diagnosed...I fought my harest not to burst into tears...I told her how sorry I was that I didn't know earlier...I painfully held myself together until we got to the bus station for her to leave for the next leg of her journey...Inside, while waiting for her bus to arrive we held hands and I cried my eyes out...She never shed a tear for herself, just consoled me...While here she had briefly mentioned that she felt she had something new going on in her abdomen and that she would have it checked out when she got back to AZ...The rest of her story I will leave you to read for yourself in her blogs...http://pateeta-shadesofblue.blogspot.com ...She is the strongest, bravest woman I've ever known...
    As I drove out with Donna the first time, I was scared to death to meet this other side of my family...Am I intruding? Will they welcome me or shun me like I was by my biological mother years ago...Had it not been for my sweet cousin Donna pushing me I may have never went out there that first time...But Patty was gravely ill and I could feel her suffering and had to get out ther, no matter what I faced when I got there...
    I've already blogged about my arrival at her hospital the day we got there...She was very sick and was busy getting a breathing treatment when we arrived...Donna peeked in and like my blog says, Patty said, "Not a good time." So I hadn't seen her yet as her curtain was closed but she insisted on putting her eyes on me before we waited for her to be done...
    (I've told this story so many times, forgive me if I'm being repetitive but am adament about my friends know my family and vice versa) I am so proud to be a part of this wonderful, loving and close-knit family...I've never known another like them...My childhood and marriage have been very dysfunctional and here I've met a one of a kind family...MY family!

    Rob and Sandy...I list them together because they are one...They dive, mountain climb, Harley ride, work, sleep, love the ocean, family, and have a bond so strong it's unreal.....  As we sat at the hospital that first day they were the first ones to arrive...I had been in contact before with Rob but didn't really know him well...He approached the room with a HUGE smile and began hugging me...Told me how much he loves me and we couldn't seem to get enough of one another, holding hands, hugging and sharing love...Sandy...I fell in love with her instantly...She is a vivacous, emotioal and loving soul...She loves me too and I am overwhelmed...There are hugs and kisses and pics being flashed constantly...They are funny, offbeat, and watching them interact was  constant intertainment...They were made for each other...Two peas in a pod...Together 20 years...

Rob and Sandy

    Teresa...As I watched her approach the room from the elevator we made brief eye contact...I've said this before somewhere but I could tell by that short glance that she had an edge to her and didn't really appear to be all that excited to meet me but it was like looking in the mirror (When Patty was here, the first thing she said when she stepped off the bus was "you look just like Teresa")...I had spent many hours after that visit online looking at pics of her and wanting to know her, but I was weary of sending her a friend request...Again the fear of rejection...Once in the room I stood up to hug her and INSANTLY we clicked...More love and hugs and I love yous filled the air...We bonded immediately...She is the same as I expected, loving and compassionate but at the same time very tough skinned...I told her later on that if I ever need someones ass kicked I'd call her...there isn't a doubt in my mind that she will always be here for me, and I her...

Teresa

    Mom...Patty was getting out of the hospital the day after we arrived which meant I'd have to go see her at moms house...I was very nervous but again, I was accepted with loving arms and she stepped back and looked at me and said, " I have another daughter"...I was so warmed by her acceptance that I cried as I told her that it had been many years sin'ce I'd had a mom...We bonded...I was home...Mom is a stronged-willed, determined, loving and compassionate lady...Even with the constant stream of people coming to see and Dr Patty, no matter who was there, if it was dinner time they were expected to join us for dinner...During the first few weeks I was there she wouldn't allow me to do ANYTHING...She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, shopped and took care of Patty like a princess...Whatever Patty wanted, she got and the love that mom showed in her caregiving was overwhelming...As Pattys health worsened I began just jumping in and doing things around the house...She always got onto me about it but I got pretty good at sneeking in and getting things done while she cared for Patty...I finally told her "You take care of Patty and I'll get the rest."  She allowed it until she caught me outside picking up dog poop and freaked out and yelled "you stop that right now!"  Damn, ok then...calm down...Another time she walked in on me doing the dishes and said
"why don't you take a break...all you do is work around here."  I replied, "why don't you leave me alone...I'll do what I want!"  She was quiet for a few seconds and mumbled..."Brat"
Thank you mom...I love you...

                                                     Mom

    Frank...Through 8 weeks of being out there I didn't get to spend much time with him...He is an incredible human being...Works hard and takes care of EVERYONE...He has the knack of knowing what people need without them asking...He observes and protects his family and is there when anyone needs help of any kind...He is kind, compassionate, loving and nurturing...I was happy when on my last day there I got to go to his house and he smoked a brisket and ribs...Everyone brought a dish and we have a blast...He had set up movies of our dad (whom I'd never known only through pictures) fishing and them as young kids selling their rocks but through circumstance beyond our control, Teresa, her son Bobby, mom and I had to leave early..Frank had said that he wanted to sit down just the 2 of us and have a beer and get aquainted...Didn't get to do that either...I was bummed...But at Pattys party a few weeks before he had hugged me tightly and told me that he loved me...He is a protector of his loved ones and saw that I was there to help, not hinder and that mom and I loved each other...I was in...So overwhelming that I can't even grasp it yet...and so many more people to meet...

                                                        Frank and Shana

    Shana...This is Franks bride, (married a year or so), my sis, and as loving as the rest of the family...I didn't get to know her well either but I could tell that she is a wonderful lady...Looks are deceiving where she is concerned because she is a beautiful and very tiny lady who chose, has been for years, and continues to be a police officer...She started her career in Chicago, worked her way up the ladder to become a detective and then met Frank and re-located to AZ...I'm anxous to know her better and I'll bet she has some interesting stories to tell...

    Melissa...Pattys daughter, age 24, beautiful and vivacious and has an equally beautiful and vivacious little girl named Emily...Mellisa is strong-will, loud and opinionated and I love her to pieces...She has a good head on her shoulders and is raising a polite, curteous, and well mannered daughter...She will make it in the world, no doubt in my mind...I love you Meltini...

                                            Melissa

    Stephen...Pattys now 15 year old son...He is also polite, quiet mannered and smart...He mostly went to school and spent the rest of the time in his room as most teenage boys do...He would go into Pattys room several times a day and talk with her...Before school, after school and before bed...How does a 14 year old cope with his moms impending death?  They were close but he said at one time that he felt his mom had been "gone" for a long time because of the heavy sedation and pain killers that she had to endure...Patty had asked our incredible brother Frank if he would adopt him when she passed...Of course he would, and will give him a wonderful and full life of schooling, sports and whatever else he needs.

                                          Stephen and Pattys dog Chongo


    Donna... I've already blogged about Donna and our relationship...check it out...see March posts..."Heading West"

                                                         Donna


    I met many other family members, Franks kids, my Uncle Pat and aunt Helga whom I hadn't seen since I was 5, Brian and Karen, their adult kids, friends of Pattys whom I loved instantly, Christy, Steve, KT, Jenny, her neighbors Ray and Cheryl, Ruth,  her hospice team, her 2 best friends in life Carol and Teri, her co-workers, and through the internet and Pattys blogs many others whom are loving and compassionate people and sent love and prayers daily...

    Beautiful attracts beautiful and this, MY family and friends are the most beautiful people on Earth...I love you all...



                                               And Finally, our beautiful Patty and her babies

                                                                        Rip Sweet Sissi

A Tribute to my Brother..."Mother Dave" Higgins

  Content of this blog may be discombobulated and out of order...kinda like my brain these days....

      He was loved and feared by hundreds...He earned his name "Mother Dave" when he was fresh out of the service after a six year stint, serving in Japan and Korea, when he returned home and was so proud as he swore at me in Korean...I remember the words but have no idea how to spell them... ending his term at age 22 (he had his birth certificate falsified and joind the Army at age 16)...He began riding with the Pagans m/c. He quickly became president and was a true mother fucker...Quick to fight, always carried a gun and did until recently...and DEMANDED respect at all times...and he got it...He belonged to a few m/c's over the years and when I had my biker wedding, he gave me away...Him and my hubby were, at that time, in the same club...

     He rocked me as a small child and would sing Dave Crockett to me...He introduced me to my first "pizza pie" as he called them back then... I was about 4 then and when I looked at it I said, That's no pie, I want pie!  He tried to convince me to try some but, NOPE, that is NOT pie! LOL

     He'd take me to the show, ice skating and when I was very small saved me from drowning...

     He would split the last cherry with me and had several times...He convinced me that butter tastes the best on all sandwiches and I still eat them like that today...When I was 12, he would buy for me, Bali Hai...what a cool brother...I didn't find out until many years later that my mom knew all along but felt it was better if I drank at home and not  out on the streets...Stinkin' Thinkin'...that's was AA calls it...
  
    We had crab apple trees all over our yard when we were growing up...We had MANY crab apple fights but of course him being 10 years older than me and a male, could throw much harder...I was always getting bruised up from getting bombarded but always went back for more...It was a yearly thing , those crab apple fights but they ended abruptly when I was 12...I was hiding behind a wooden trailer and him and his friend were having a blast throwing them so hard that they would smash against the opposite side of the trailer...A guy thing I guess...My mom had SPECIFICALLY said NO APPLE FIGHTS, as she left for work...She couldn't have gotten to the end of the street and I was out the door and bombarding him before he knew what hit him...It was my only chance as once he loaded up, I was always dead...As I was hiding behind this trailer I made the mistake of looking up over the trailer just as his 90mph apple slammed me in the eye...My eyeball immediately filled up with blood and my blue iris turned dark brown...I had never felt such pain...He felt soooooo bad and was scared that my mom would freak out on him so I told her I was playing with my German Shepard and ran into a tree branch...I think it was about 20 years before I told her the truth...The immediate options as I was rushed to the hospital from our doctor and to the eye specialists was #1, they may have to remove my eye (Dave, of course stepped right up and offered me one of his) and my mom argued with him that I will get one of hers... OR option 2 they would cover both eyes and in 24 hours see what happens...24 hours later my eye was 50% better...After a week in the hospital, having both eyes covered and being fed liver and felt up by some doctor that I couldn't see, I went home...When I left the hospital I wore a patch on that eye for weeks...He brought it up again and again how sorry he was...Hey, I started that fight, don't be sorry...

     We laughed for years about how my dog had drug him all over the yard, shaking him and shredding his shirt...We hung it on the front fence with a "beware of Dog, YOU may me next" sign...

     He began drinking heavily after he came home from the service...and although he didn't live with us, the household rule was, DO NOT PISS HIM OFF WHEN HE COMES OVER DRUNK...Oh HELL no, not to worry about that...Once, he had one of the biggest bad asses (at the time) in Detroit, looking for him...But did he hide, hell no...He got drunk and went and shot up the pool hall that he thought the guy was in!  Spent a year in jail for that...

     I learned the hard way not to lie to him...I was 18 and I was moving out of my house with Cutie, my best friend, and who is now mourning the love of her life as they've been together for over 40 years...Were were going to get a house together...Her and Dave were already involved and they were fighting...He was drunk and kept calling me wanting to know where she was, when in fact she was with me at my house helping me move but I told him I didn't know where she was...We took a load over and when we returned, of course we checked for his car before we pulled back into my moms house...Safe, we pull back in...He had hidden his car and out from the bushes he comes at me like a drunken lunatic and starts banging my head, by my hair, into the top of my car and screaming at me that I better NEVER lie to him again...Ok then, I won't...geeze...and I didn't...

     When I became of age (18 then) to drink, I would hang with him in his favorite bars on "the avenue" partied with him and his friends, became a wild child and a total drunk...He was so well known there that no one would mess with me because of him...When I got involved with his best friend at the time he threatened him that he would kill him if he ever saw me again....What? This is YOUR best friend! Guess he knew things that I didn't...He wouldn't talk to me about it but stood firm in his threat and they of course didn't hang together anymore...

     I went to his clubhouse while he was at home sick one time...Young and dumb, the week earlier I had been driving through a street off of the avenue and saw what I thought were his "guys" all partying in front of a house...I was the new kid in town and didn't know shit from shineola about clubs, colors, wars, anything...Anyway, I went back to the bar he was at and told him so he of course hopped on his bike and went over there...It was his rival club there and there he was all alone, and couldn't just drive by but had to stop...When he returned, he was CONVINCED that I had "set him up"...Hell, I thought they were HIS people...But I couldn't convince him otherwise and of course he had to take it to his fellow members for safety purposes so then THEY were convinced that I set him up...I swear to almighty God, that I didn't...Anyway, my girlfriend and I go prancing into his clubhouse, all drunk and rowdy to be met by some FURIOUS members...They called him at home with pnumonia and told him he better come and get me out of there or they were going to beat the shit out of me...So there he comes, sicker than shit and pissed off at me, takes me back to his house and tells me mom is on her way...Oh fuck no, I'm not waiting for her...and I take off for the front door...He catches me as I'm almost through it by my hair (STOP PULLING my fucking hair!) jerks me backwards and on my ass and proceeds to slap me around and sits on me til she gets there...Fucker...I was SOOOOOO pissed at him...Then I get in the car with her and SHE proceeds to slap me around...WTF! I'm 18!!!   (this is before I officially moved out from home) I "ran away" within the week and he helped me find a biker friend of his (Thanks Shotgun) and his girlfriend who I could stay with for awhile...I didn't call home for a month...All I did was drink and party...

     Another time when I was about 5, mom had warned him, again as she left for work, DO NOT RIDE HER ON YOUR BICYCLE...Right...Off we go down the street with me on the back of his bike...But of course I got my foot caught in his spokes and had such severe injuries that they thought that I would be wearing a big shoe for the rest of my life and that my leg would grow no further...He was in BIG trouble that time but so was I...No sympathy for me, oh no...My eye and my leg are just fine by the way...

      As we raised our families we grew apart...At times we didn't speak for years and would attend family functions, tension hanging in the air as everyone knew we were on the outs...At other times we would party together weather it was a pool party at his house or a block party at mine...But no matter what, I knew I could always count on him..

    I had gotten myself into a bad situation several years back and needed to move in a hurry, like TODAY, RIGHT NOW , New Years morning, or my life was at risk...Of course he showed up with his boys within minutes and they got me the fuck out of there with no  confrontations...amazing...

      He would work on my many junker cars and bitch every second of it but did it anyway...
  
      When my 20 year old son died, him and Cutie were by my side at all times, comforting, helping and loving me...

      These are the things that I was determined to talk to him about when he got sick and then I got pissed at him again and never did...I'm beating myself up for it now...The good times, and memories of boating with him, partying with him and not telling him often enough that I loved him...Shame on me and my fucking stubborness...Never again...Life's too short...and PS...He LOVED Elvis...and  his Cutie...