I've been really concentrating on thinking positive thoughts but some days the negative just takes over and I can't seem to shake it off. Isn't that how it's "supposed" to be? Up and down, up and down...or is that Bi-Polar?
I haven't actually been diagnosed with it but am certainly taking all the meds for it...Mental Disorder...I have a problem with that concept and always have...Society stigmatizes you for it, or being fat, or diabled, or ugly...Society sucks actually and just yesterday I went OFF on hubby as he tried to drag me to a personal business meeting...FUCK NO! I WON"T GO..."I HATE dealing with people, fuck, I don't even LIKE people and after 38 years I'd think you'd know that," I screamed at him...I so dislike getting like that...It means I've lost control of me but I have SO much on my plate right now since his heart attack and forms and searching for shit, faxing, writing letters, researching, dispensing pills in dosages not only for him but for his mother and myself too...While he sits in his chair and watches TV! and tells me VERY UNconvincingly how grateful he is...Yeah, right, just fuck off...
Damn, got off track there but it feels good to vent...So anyway, I've started painting again and lose myself for hours, but I still have the kitchen to power clean before I can say "done." It's taken me so long to spring clean this year that the 1st room is getting webby again already...It's not entirely my fault, it's been a circumstance thing...First I was in AZ for 7 weeks in the spring loving my new family but losing my sissi , then I was home 5 days and my brother died. Then a month to the day later hubby had 2 heart attacks. It's been a constant whirlwind of Dr.s, rehab, re-checks, and mounds of paperwork which I threw all in a pile and tried to ignore...All things considered I've been ok, not so depressed now but edgy...I always get edgy when the bills aren't paid and with him not working they are piling up...
My biggest fear in life is to be homeless, so I fight with everything I've got to make sure that doesn't happen...I got my shit together the last few days and made some phone calls and got some bills dropped down...Made arrangements with others and still have a couple bucks left for food...Yay me, I actually FUNCTIONED! But would you think anyone here would notice? No, just harp on me about what NEEDS to be done, while you sit in your chair and watch tv...
Now I have to admit he's getting better about cleaning up the kitchen lately but it's only because he doesn't want me to "blow"...I don't even want me to blow...No one does, it's not a pretty site and it's yet another thing that I'm working on...
Some good friends have sent me some good reading on self help...It's helped me before so I'm using it again...I'm really trying here...
Another thing is the atmosphere here...Hubby is grumpy and snappy 95% of the time...I've now graduated to just silently getting up, gathering my stuff, cigs, phone, ipod, water and shut myself in my room...I love my room and he leaves me alone...My "voice of reason" son David actually got a little peeved the other day when that happened and came in my room and said, "Mom, don't you EVER let him run you out of a room." I said "that's not it, I CHOOSE not to deal with him when he gets that way." He's been "that way" 2 days this week already...But I've graduated from feeding into him wanting to argue to just walking away...When it's not so frickin' hot I sit out on the deck and read...Perfectly content and let him sit inside and be miserable all by himself...
Yeah, so they're baby steps but going in the right direction...I am still working on not letting outside sources get me upset...It's so hard on me because I worry about EVERYONE, and have zero control over their situations...
Years ago I had a "friend" who said to me, "will you take the Godamned "may I help you" badge off for a day? I said, "you don't seem to mind it when it benefits you." We are no longer friends...
I have so much heart to give but it's pathetically sad when it goes unnoticed.
Shame on them...
Love you all and thanks for taking the time to read my blog...
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