I'm blogging today about my depression so if this is not something that interests you just move on...I've fought it since I was 16 years old but was not diagnosed until my early 40's. Yes, I'm on many meds for it but at times it's not enough...I never see it coming, it just jumps up and slaps me down. Sometimes I can bounce right back up and others can take months. These are the ones that scare me, the ones that take months. That is why I fight so hard when it knocks me down, I don't WANT to be in that black hole for months...Been there, done that, not fun...(DAMN, it's cold out here!)
My depressions go like this...One day, la la la la la, feeling great, next day can't get out of bed, cry, sleep...No housework, no meals, no company, no smiles...Step 2 is trying to figure out WHY...But I have to be awake for that, nope, don't want to "think", just sleep...
Generally the sleeping part lasts for a few days and my loving son will come and drag me out of bed and make me get up...I HATE that! I just want to sleep, godammit! But no, he makes me get up...Of course he is gone alot so as soon as he leaves I'm back in bed...As for hubby, he doesn't get it or care to...He just leaves me be and that's fine...at least I'm not dealing with him and his incessant need to always be fucking right...
I'm am, right at this moment, doing the balancing act...Will I slide farther down, or climb out?
It's iffy...But at least I'm #1, out of bed, #2, showered, #3 dressed and #4 outside...Those are HUGE steps when I'm down...) Oh, and I even combed my hair and yesterday I went grocery shopping. Never mind that I ran through the store like a mad woman because I wanted to get home and back in my bed...I spent the rest of the day and night there...No regrets...
Being depressed is especially hard when you've been up...Losing weight, being more active, having all of my yearly check-ups and getting good results for a change... I have much to be thankful for but it seems that it gets pushed to the back when I'm depressed...I always want to be somewhere else...Never happy with where I am in life...Never content, always living with one foot out the door...ready to run, somewhere, anywhere...(and where is the godamned sunshine!)
I can't say what exactly triggered this episode...I haven't quite put my finger on it. I know I miss my family terribly, I just look and look at the pictures of us...US! Me included! WOW what a wonderful and loving family I have...Others are in awe of our love for one another, our closeness, our bond...I am in awe...it is all new to me and wonderful...I want to wrap us all up in a cocoon and never part...But I am here and they are there...Living their lives while mine has stalled...Stale...
People who have never been depressed could never understand and I HATE the ones who poo poo me and others like me. It's not our fault. It took me YEARS to "get it" and many many talks with my doctor who through love and concern has been very patient with me as I fight him on every new drug he offers...He has told me dozens of time that I need to "see a mental health professional."
Nope, been there too and yes it did actually help me but I am no longer interested in opening my life up to a new shrink...I can do it here, for free and writing always makes me feel better...It's like, it's documented and people will send me their love and support and that helps so very much...It's not like a "poor poor, me" thing...I just know when I need to write and when to share...This is theraputic for me and then I can move on to other things...Deeper things....And on the good days I can share myself in a good way...But sometimes it seems like those days are further and farther between..I'm working on it...
.My wonderful sister Patty taught me that when I'm down to read things that make me laugh..She recomended "Shit My Dad Says"...just ordered it on kindle...I'll be outside if you need me...HERE COMES THE SUN!!!!!!!
Love to all...
To my late blooming sister... You have bloomed before our very eyes. You have surpassed fear of flying, fear of dealing with 'the powers that be', you have surpassed the feeling of the 'unknown family'. You have seen the growth within you. We may have been family unknown to you before the 'terrible times', but you are now fully ensconced within your flesh and blood family unit. Your husband and son will benefit greatly from this extension of your previously unknown family,if given the time. You will not live forever, as we have sadly witnessed with our own experience and common sense. The time you spend finding your self and the things that anger, amaze,and become significant in your life, are important to us, your family and we hope to see you grow and become a part of the wisdom of the ages. We love you Vicki, for what you are and what you are trying to be. Forever yours. Your family. We need you.
ReplyDeleteRob
I love you Rob...as crazy (in a good way) as you are you always have just the right words to say...You are my heart and soul...
ReplyDelete