Tug-O-War... Part 3

I know I know, this makes the 3rd post I've made about my depression progress so if you are all bored with it, feel free to move on...No hard feelings...

    This bout with the black hole is stretching on way too long, going on 3 months now...I struggle every day to keep positive, have positive thoughts but at times the old me slips in...Yes, I am trying to remake myself...I don't like the negative me and I'm hell to live with when I'm like that...and yes, I've come REALLY far in 3 months from staying in bed and sleeping 24/7, crying at every waking moment, not eating, not showering, not combing my hair, never leaving the house and the "saftey" of my bedroom. I was a total train wreck when it began.
Today I get up, say hi to my FB friends, take my shower and plan my day...Only one problem here, some days I still don't want to do anything...Just sit and stare like a bump on a log...and think..Thinking can REALLY stir up the shit in my head. I'm still getting confused and unfocused but not nearly as bad as in the beginning...

    Yesterday was good, I kept busy all day and actually accomplished some things...The day before was WONDERFUL as I spent the day  with my BFF...So I'd say my days are about 60/40 of good to bad...I'm winning the battle, just not the war...yet...

    The thing I hate the most about depression is that it can last for months, and for months I fight back, it's exhausting at times and I finally reach the end and in a split second it can come back anytime it wants and over extend it's stay...Along with depression I have Social Anxiety...I've always had it, even when I was small...Don't like crowds, don't mingle well, don't have the "gift of gab", don't like people behind me in any situation, kinda the wall flower type with a Pitbull temper...Don't fuck with me or mine and all will be fine...

    And so today, as my brain has been looking forward to the party I am to attend, I have chickened out...Not going...Not far enough in my recovery process to handle a bunch of strangers...I will drop off her gift early and lie to her...Later I will tell her the truth...Sorry Anna but there are just some things that I hate to admit and "mental illness" is at the top of the list...

    I'm still going to venture out and run some errands, early, like NOW, before the crowds hit the stores and then I will stay home, safe and find something to do...I STILL haven't power cleaned that kitchen or I could paint...Whatever,  I'm determined to stay positive today...Healing, one inch at a time...
I love you all...