Random Thoughts

I was so looking forward to this weekend of aloneness...I crave my alone time and since hubbys heart attack I get very little...Grew up alone, raised my boys alone, lived alone once and loved it...I am by nature a very private person. Only by the encouragement and love that I get from writing am I venturing outside of my comfort zone...that's right, me, myself and I...and it's been that way since I can remember...I've always been a loner, shy and reserved, not socialized by mom...You see, she loved me so much that she wanted me all to herself...I got to stay home from school whenever I wanted, she got me out of gym and swimming because I was too shy to be in a locker room with other girls and until I was in my teens, I had very few friends...She provided me prescription diet pills when I was 11 (she was a nurse) and I was getting "chunky" after my dad died and then sleeping pills because I'd be flying so high from the diet pills I couldn't settle down to sleep at night...I began drinking at age 12...I stayed drunk until my mid 30's...
    I'm getting off track here...It seems that lately I can only handle a couple days of alone time and then I begin over anaylizing every thought and there are many...The #1 "dream" that I have is to move to Cali and be by my family...It's an impossible dream and so is very frustrating...First off I don't have the financial means to move, especially across the country...Don't have my own car, and would have to haul a trailer, find a place I can afford and then the actual expense of moving, gas, deposits etc are unending...So how do I forget this dream of mine? I need to admit to myself that it is not going to happen...
    If you have been following my blogs you know how I connected to my new found family over the course of Feb-Apr...They are constantly on my mind and I can't stand to be away from them...My heart is there...
But my biggest conflict is that my son will not move with me...We have been a team for his entire life, always always always there for each other...I joke about him thinking that he's my "dad" because he is soooo protective over me but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way...I won't leave him behind, and he won't go...
    I'm trying to save so that I can fly out to Cali, see my brother and sis, rent a car and drive down to Phoenix and see the rest of my family...But am I going to drop into another depression when I have to come back? Probably, that's the way my body copes...Depression, anxiety, pills pills and more pills, just to keep me functioning without going over the edge...and at times even those don't work...
    I feel that I'm coming out of this last depression...Next was the anxiety, which I'm still not completely over but working hard on it but today is the sadness...JUST FUCKING GO AWAY SADNESS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

    Well, I took a break and talked to my Sissi Teresa...She always makes me feel better but she's on my ass too...I guess sometimes I need it...I made the mistake of telling her that I've been blacking out lately and she made me PROMISE to go to the Dr. I don't WANT to go to the Dr...I've just recently gotten the best medical report I've had in 25 years and I DON'T want something to be wrong...The blackouts just last a second, no bg deal, but after she got on me about it I promised her I'd go...Fuck...I NEVER break promises unless something tragic has come up...I'll go...
Guess I've bored you long enough, sorry but I always feel better when I write...I love you all and thank you for standing by me...

    The following pic is a good example of my Social Anxiety Disorder...After winning an award for the silly "how to hold your lunch tray" picture that I drew, I was horrified when I had to stand up and show it...I delibratly never "won" anything again at school...I would flunk out of a class because I wouldn't get up in front of the classroom...It all goes hand in hand with anxiety...Look how I won't get too close to the others...sad...I'm on the far right...NEVER TRUST ANYONE!!! and still today, it takes a lot to allow myself to trust...