Where I stand today

I like to write, to blog and I haven't done it in far too long...It is therapeutic for me to document my thoughts and it is huge that I share them with you...I'm so private, it amazes me too...
I haven't blogged because I've been living deep down in the hole of depression for almost 2 years...Yup 2 years in June since we lost our David...Although I tried time and time again, I'd climb up towards the light and fall back down...Very frustrating...
As many of you know, I did some wild and crazy shit when he died and stayed in that mode for several months...I won't go into detail here because I'm not there anymore...I've reached the light and stepped away from the hole...Now that's not to say that I did it alone, my loved ones pushed and pulled and never let go and to them I am so thankful...I didn't WANT to live back then but was too scared to opt out...
So I'm out of the hole, now what? I don't have a clue what to do with the rest of my life, wish I could still work, it would make it so much easier...Just because I'm out of the hole doesn't mean that I stopped missing David...I miss him every day and I "hear" him talk to me...I knew him so well that I know his remarks and responses...Like the other day, all the way to the cross he kept telling me "Mom, don't go there, I'm not there, I'm in your heart." But NOPE, I didn't listen and he pushed me down, VERY gently and then picked me back up...Sound crazy? Sorry, only expressing my reality...I must believe that my boys walk with me or I will lose my mind...I have no direction now and feel lost, I feel like time is ticking and I need to DO something, make a decision, live life and love it...I'm not there yet, I'm still blinking from the light...