Where I stand today

I like to write, to blog and I haven't done it in far too long...It is therapeutic for me to document my thoughts and it is huge that I share them with you...I'm so private, it amazes me too...
I haven't blogged because I've been living deep down in the hole of depression for almost 2 years...Yup 2 years in June since we lost our David...Although I tried time and time again, I'd climb up towards the light and fall back down...Very frustrating...
As many of you know, I did some wild and crazy shit when he died and stayed in that mode for several months...I won't go into detail here because I'm not there anymore...I've reached the light and stepped away from the hole...Now that's not to say that I did it alone, my loved ones pushed and pulled and never let go and to them I am so thankful...I didn't WANT to live back then but was too scared to opt out...
So I'm out of the hole, now what? I don't have a clue what to do with the rest of my life, wish I could still work, it would make it so much easier...Just because I'm out of the hole doesn't mean that I stopped missing David...I miss him every day and I "hear" him talk to me...I knew him so well that I know his remarks and responses...Like the other day, all the way to the cross he kept telling me "Mom, don't go there, I'm not there, I'm in your heart." But NOPE, I didn't listen and he pushed me down, VERY gently and then picked me back up...Sound crazy? Sorry, only expressing my reality...I must believe that my boys walk with me or I will lose my mind...I have no direction now and feel lost, I feel like time is ticking and I need to DO something, make a decision, live life and love it...I'm not there yet, I'm still blinking from the light...

Firsts...

Dear David,
Firsts is a strange word and not one that you think of in daily life, but since you left, firsts have popped into my life like a whirlwind...There's that first birthday after you left and the first Thanksgiving and today the first snow...We shared our love of snow but this snow is different for me...It makes me incredibly sad that you are not here to share it with...It holds not beauty but sadness, no sparkle, no merry, nothing...and the stores, the decorations that I once loved hold no purpose for me know...They don't make me smile, take pics or approach...It's all just stuff...
As I'm sure you know I didn't decorate for Christmas this year...Oh I put up a tiny tree and scattered a few things around but not the show case that you grew up with...You said one time it looked like a Hallmark store, the utmost of compliments...Stuff...
I finally dreamed of you last night...Short but enough to rip me up for the day...I want to CHERISH those dreams, maybe I'm still too raw...
It's lonely here without you, no more friends stopping by, no more laughter, no more feuds...Just me and dad, struggling to move on...I can't even stand to THINK of Christmas...Although we will spend it with loved ones, you won't be there...The holidays are the only times that I KNEW you'd be home and I have wonderful memories of all of us together...
Your cats miss you, your boy immediately loves up on me as soon as I open the door and looks for you in the bath tub...and he still weighs a ton...
I felt this need to write and I feel a little better...Dumb, I know, writing to a computer but you know how writing relaxes me and I want people to know all about you, your likes, your loves, your wit...Love you! Mom

Dear David...

I know that you watch me as I ditty bop along pretending to be fine and I know that you know that I'm not fine...Life is so painful now, more than it's ever been...Everything triggers my tears,
TV, music, smells, foods, pics...today I was "ok" until I opened the Kohls catalog and saw the Christmas stuff...How am I supposed to get through this? For the first time ever I'm not decorating this year, probably never again as I always did it for you...How can I hold your stocking or see the ornaments that you made for me as a child...No more are the big dinners, the shopping, the quest to find you the newest electronic gadget...Holidays hold nothing for me now...
I know you watch me as I sob uncontrollably and you want me to be happy...How? How do I do this without you in my world...
And then there's your dad...As much as I've bashed him for being a dick I know you are shining down on him now...He has completely changed since you left...I now see a man who holds in his own tears to take care of me...He now does everything that I should be doing because I'm not functional enough...
For the first time in our lives, he nurtures me and knows that my pain is deep and unending...He is tearing that wall of resentment down brick by brick, the trust is trying to break through but I'm not there yet...
I'm still pissed at God if there is one...No one has convinced me yet but I hope there is and that he is taking care of you. I still can't wrap my mind around you being gone, forever and ever...It's not suppose to be like this...What "God" would take a wonderful man away from those who loved him? and friends, Please lets not get into the God thing...I don't have the strength...
I'm signing off now, I was hoping that writing would help my pain but I continue to cry...I love you Baby Boy!!!

Dear

Why, Why, Why???

This is a tender topic for many but in my quest to understand, I reach out...Forgive me if I hold bitterness in my heart, I know not, how to let go...
The topic is God...Who is he, where is he, what is he??? I wasn't brought up in a religious household...Just told that I was Baptist...Went to church a few times with mom but the LAST time is when she left me there...ALONE...I went batshit crazy...
I happened to marry into a religious family...I sent my boys to church mostly with gramma to give them "the choice"...I would go when they were performing in plays and such, but no more than that...When they wanted to be done with church, I let them...Both had been involved for several years...
I have questions, lots of them and I've heard that you are not supposed to question but...
What God allows a small child to be molested many times over by many different men?
What God allows you to become a 12 year old addict?
What God allows you to lose your first born child after 20 years?
What God allows you to feel real, undying love for 7 weeks and then snatches it away?
What God allows your heart to be broken over and over again?
I could list a million more questions but I'll save you the time...Do I believe in God? I want to...The closest I ever felt to Him was when I was looking at the Pacific Ocean for the first time...and nature in general always brings me closer...I feel that I'm spiritual rather than religious...I feel the pain of others and that is not a bad trait to have...I'm loving and kind (for the most part) but severely depressed with anxiety and confusion mixed in...I don't know why I'm here anymore, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere...I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I don't know what I want...I'll be 60 in March and I've battled for everything in my life...NOTHING has come easy...and NO, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME! This has been my battle and it has made me stronger, know that I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to, but 2 breakdowns have left me fragile and weak at times and I HATE that...I know if my brother Rob reads this he is going to be all over me...He KNOWS God...Sorry babe, just searching for answers...

Easter 2012

My sweet and lovely cousin Donna recently pointed out to me that I don't blog nearly enough...Quite honestly, I've been so blue lately that I can't even think straight. I share enough of that on Facebook and always get the support and love that I so need...But I'd like my blogs to be positive and upbeat...That is nearly impossible when you are crying and sad...Today is Easter and my emotions are all over the place...

Let me go back to 1991...My mom had passed the previous September, at my home, in my spare bedroom...Although I had all of her equipment removed from her room I left the door shut never even to peek in...One of my boys was in an Easter play at church and although I'm not a church goer this particular service had really hit home. When we got home, I changed my clothes and stood in front of moms door, head down, scared, procrastinating...Ok, 1-2-3- quickly run in and shut the door behind me...It took me to my knees, the smell, my mom, she was there with me! I'm not sure how long I stayed in there just breathing her in...There was no furniture so I sat up against the wall on the floor...I was in there long enough to wonder if I was crazy, I kept thinking "this is just stupid"...I guess I was gone long enough that my boys were looking for me...The door opens and in walks my oldest son Beau (RIP baby) and before I could say a word he said, "Oh my God, it smells like Gramma Betty in here!"...Of course I crumpled into a sobbing ball as he sat down beside me, finally got up and made our dinner...

Fast forward to 1994...My oldest son had passed away in January of this year...Hubby and I were separated, he and my young son living down south (I'm am sooooo very sorry David!) I had a good job, my own little apartment, lots of friends, had just discovered ceramics...life was decent...I loved to cook so and I'd always cooked for 4 so I loved having friends over for dinner as there was always more than enough...One Easter Sunday I invited another single girlfriend over for dinner...Now mind you I had lived in the apartment for 6 months, highly decorated as I like etc....One shelf on my living room wall held a picture of Beau and about 6 other misc items...We were eating dinner when suddenly the shelf swooped down, hanging by one nail and EVERYTHING except Beaus picture fell off...Of course I lost it...But I couldn't have had a better person there with me as she had recently lost a son as well so she totally got it as I explained to her...So much for dinner...I left that shelf like that for days and he stayed...

Easter 2011
My wonderful sister Patty loses her life to cancer...What a perfect day for her to leave...She was one of the strongest forces in my life, she was wild and crazy and smart and positive, sweet and loving and took shit from no one...I was blessed to have her visit me the summer before and it was the first she'd told me that she was stage 3...Her in AZ fighting for her life and me In MI, I stayed in as close touch as I could...She went through so much...While she was here she turned me on to some of her favorite websites, "things that make me laugh," she said...She blogged her entire 2 year long personal hell and never lost faith, never complained, never lost her ability to fight...I go back and read through her blogs to give myself courage and strength...It seems that I am there often lately...She is in my heart, loud and clear today as are Beau and my mom...I miss you all so very much...

I apologize if this blog saddened you on a happy day...Blame Donna... ;-)
and Donna? Thank you! I have stopped crying since writing this and am moving forward in my day...I love you!

Letting Go...

On the 18th of February it will have been one year since my cousin and I made the hasty decision to pack up the car and drive 1700 miles flatass broke to see my dying sister in Phoenix...We couldn't stay but 2 days and even at that we had to pay an arm and a leg for the extra day on the car rental...But to me it was all worth it...The trip was rough not only on my back but sleeping in the car and eating off dollar menus, still worth it because a whole new world opened up for me. Not only did Donna (cuz) insist that we spend and hour in Albuquerque NM , which I enjoyed immensley, but I was heading into another side of my family whom I'd never met...My dads family. I'd only known Patty who found me in the internet 11 years ago...We met and bonded deeply and immediately...She let her family know that she was in touch with me but they, for whatever reasons, didn't want any contact with me...Except Rob, we had been writing back and forth for years and are also bound at the heart...
    Patty had told me right off not to expect to hear from anyone else. After Patty told me this I said, that's fine...I'm perfectly content knowing you and Rob but was still hurt and confused by their actions. So when Donna and I made this trip, I was driving into unknown territory...How would they react to me? I was a wreck the entire trip, she'd even asked me several times if I wanted to turn around and go home...Yes I did, but wouldn't...I HAD to see Patty, no matter what...She was nearing her end...
    Let me say here that I have blogged about this trip pretty much entirely if you want to go back and catch up...I had also, in detail, documented her dying process...I decided not to blog it because I just can't...It's ugly and horrible and nobodies business.
    Donna and I got there at 1am...Lost in downtown Phoenix and Donna gets a text that we can't stay at the relatives house that had said we could...Shit...We have to find a motel room and use up our gas money to rent it. (We were BOTH waiting for our taxes to hit the banks) We had left home with $700,00 between us and she put the car rental on her charge...Hardly enough for a 3400 mile round trip IF our taxes didn't hit the bank...So we slept in the car, in a truck stop, in a hotel parking lot etc...But we did it and I am so proud of us...
    I won't go into detail here because I've already blogged it but I was met with open arms, from everyone, they said they loved me and "we don't do halves", you are our sister, period...I was so comforted that these wonderful people have accepted me. I feel like I'm wrapped in a cocoon of love...
    We stayed our 2 days and returned home on Feb 26th...(For the record, the second day on the road our checks hit the bank...figures...) But I needed more of this loving new family so as quickly as I could I planned another trip, alone, flying out (which I HATE), one way and even broker than last time...Left on March 11th...I could only afford to fly one way and I had decided to stay until Pattys end...
    That ended up being 7 short weeks...

    Again, I was welcomed with open arms...Spent some truly incredible time with my "new" siblings...Each one treated me like I was a queen...Their mom embraced me immediately and announce, "I have another daughter"..The love, oh, the love...Patty had been in and out of the hospital since being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer on her birthday 2 years prior. But she had also made a 3 week trip around the country visiting her loved ones...I was one of the lucky ones...She spent 3 full days here and I cherish those memories...At this point I had NO idea she was stage 3, until she got here and told me...She was much stronger than I as we held hands and I balled...Her mind set was "you can cry when I'm dead, I ain't dead yet" and she'd said it many times...She had cleared her mind while she was traveling and when she got home she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back home so her mom could care for her...And what a wonderful job she did...What an incredible woman! All moms could take lessons from her...
    The 7 weeks I was there she was home except for a 5 day stay in Hospice...We threw her a huge party with a bagpiper and band and Irish whiskey...We all went to CA together for her birthday...(see blogs) Bonding, bonding...What a fabulous family I belong to...
    I'll never regret taking that trip. It put me in a world that I'd never been in...Acceptance...I had never felt like I really BELONGED anywhere having been adopted...But my entire soul belonged with these people...
    Fast forward one year...I stayed in touch with everyone after I came home, calling them every couple of weeks, mom included... After a few months it dawned on me that I was doing all of the calling, except for Rob no one had called me...So I stopped calling but continued to try and stay in touch online...No go, no responses to my comments...It's beginning to hurt...Let it go I tell myself, but I don't WANT to..I WANT them to love me! So yesterday I made one last attempt, only to be ignored...The pain is so bad I can't even describe it...Stupid me, setting myself up for disappointment once again...shame on me, when will I ever learn...
    I just don't know what to think...I was genuine in my love for them and completely open and honest...I felt like mom and I even bonded. God, it felt good to have a mom again, we'd talk for hours, about everything...Maybe I overstayed my welcome, maybe they all went through the motions for Patty because after all, it was her that wanted me there. I feel I've been cast aside and forgotten...It hurts, real bad...
    But I will move on, I will overcome this pain inside. I can't let it break me or I will die...I cry when I need to and break things when I need to...What else is there?

    Please take the time to read Pattys blogs as well...She left us on Easter Sunday last year and she went out like the warrior that she was...RIP baby, I miss you so much...   

Pattys Blogs
    http://pateeta-shadesofblue.blogspot.com

Ohhhh PUNkin!!!

I'm extremely stressed out today and sooooo, I'm going to share the story of my pumpkin...I haven't been able to carve in several years because of a bad shoulder, hands and wrists BUT I LOVE roasted pumpkin seeds...Well...I was at one of my favorite markets and for several days I kept going back and looking at this one deranged looking pumpkin...Had never seen anything like it before, was called a "peanut" pumpkin...It had nasty loooking "warts" all over it and immediately I could see that "her" nose was on the side of her head and she had these "eyes and lips"...

Ok, you're going home with me Ms. Putrid...I'ma gonna paint you up...I was also anxious to see if her seeds were the same as "regular" pumpkins...Paint her up then take her guts and roast them...Well. I'm going to show you a pic of how she "turned out"...A 3 year old could have done a better job but I really just wanted her seeds anyway...

                                                                      Her Nose...

                                                               succulant lips...lol
So, I lug her to the kitchen to make a hole in her just big enough to fit my hand in and pulled seeds...1st. The electric knife...HA! wouldn't even make a dent...Next, a sharp serated knife...Nope, all I'm gonna do is end up cutting a finger off...A butcher knife...Another sharp instrument that I shouldn't be allowed to use...;-)
If I stabbed her with it I could wriggle it down a LITTLE bit but it was killing my wrist...Pull out a dozen or so actual pumpkin carving tools....Tried everyone of them...This is going on an hour now...So, being the calm and collected person that I am I went and got my CLAW hammer and Clawed at her like a mad woman until I won...She was a thick skinned bitch, just like her owner...I didn't take pics of the process because by the time I was done and had the seeds soaking I was pissed of, sore and tired...But they were delish, been munching on them when I want to smoke...And yes still smoking, but not much...Why can't I just "put 'em down!?!"
So, I posted some pics of the pumpkins I picked up yesterday, just for their seeds only this time hubby took them out to the deck so that when I go ballistic on them, they won't splatter all over the kitchen...(and THAT pissed me off too! lol)
My next victims...

Good luck to me and I will try to be patient enough time time to photograph the process...Thanks for stopping by...Love to all

Taking a Tumble

I need to get this off of my mind as it is eating away at me...
Several days ago, as some of you already know, I fell going down my front steps...Missed the last 3 completely and landed on my elbows and knees, somehow also hitting the TOPS of my ankles on the way down...I though I'd broken my left ankle...But here is where I'm going with this...
David was behind me, the door already locked behind him and me laying on the driveway with the only keys...What I heard was chilling and now makes me cry...My David was SCREAMING. "Oh my fucking God!" I heard him say it 3 times before my voice would kick in...The pain in his voice TOLD me he thought I was dead...My brain was telling me to TELL him I was ok, but I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I wasn't sure if I was "ok" but at least I knew I was alive...I was probably in a slight shock, I don't know...I am so sorry David, to scare you like that...It wasn't until he started beating on the front door like a madman to get his dad that my voice would work...Bennie came out and I weakly said, "I'm ok but I just want to lay here." Bennie said, "Vic, you can't just lay here in the rain." But I did, and then finally got the nerve to move and David helped me get up...But what a terrible thing to witness...which brings to mind the reason that I've ALWAYS hated following behind them on their bikes or following the pack...I'm scared they will go down in front of me...
Anyway, we've all had a good laugh about it and David told me it was the most slow motion fall he'd ever seen and that if it had been anyone but me he would have laughed... But in retrospect in was really very sad...My fall hurt David more than me and I wouldn't hurt him for anything...Love you babe...

The Story of David

 

Wow, it's been 33 years since we found our David behind the dumpster at the clubhouse, at least that's what we always told him...
When he was around 3 he very seriously, as he usually was, came to me with his big blue eyes and said "Mom, am I a dot?"  Me: "Uhhh, what do you mean, "a dot"...Him: "Beau said I'm a dot."  Me: "Well you're not a dot." Beau was in school so I couldn't immediately question him but when I did he finally admitted that he told David that he was adopted! 

David was the best kid a mom could ask for, not just because he's mine but because he was. The kids and I struggled as I worked 60 and 70 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads...At times I'd pay a sitter to send them to school because I had to start work at 5am...This ended (the sitter thing) when I came home one day from work and learned that she not only DIDN'T walk him across the main street and to school but he went to school in his pajamas! Now, they were karate pajamas so that was a pretty creative way to show off his "black belt'...I fired the sitter, changed my hours at work and took them to school myself...

When they were 6 and 11 we moved into an apartment in Canton Mi...Just the 3 of us...I was so proud of David and Beau, the way they transgressed through the move...I began having problems with Beau about 6 months after we moved in...Those problems took all of my attention away from David...He began to act out too...
Call from school..."Your son was caught burying his homework in the wood chips in front of the school." HA! VERY creative, but not a good place...Then, another call...You need to come see me...(teacher) 
He informs me that when the children were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up he said, "a biker and work in a titty bar."  Me: "Great, call his father, here's his number."...

He wasn't a bad kid. I jerked him around as I dragged his brother through family counseling, drug programs, group sessions, individual counseling etc. This went on for over 4 years...He never complained, he always wanted to help me and he would do anything to make money...the asshole on the corner gave him a whole quarter to pull all of his weeds! Yeah, THAT didn't happen again and I gave him $5.00...He was about 6 years old...

He really didn't like to go spend the night at other kids houses...He'd go with his pillow and blanket and good intentions but would always come home before bedtime. I knew this so I never made plans to go out...the only people he would actually spend the night with was his grand parents...But I ALWAYS had mothers of other children tell me how well behaved he was and polite...Wait, are you talking about David McQueen? The one who will slam the door in his best friends face screaming, "I TOLD YOU I WASN'T COMING OUT!!!" Yes, David has always been David and I encouraged that...no regrets...

Way back when we were a family of four, we would take the kids to the drive in...I don't remember what we were watching but all of a sudden David falls to the floor in the back seat in a lump...I'm shaking him and freaking out for well over a minute when all of a sudden he just looks up at me and smiles...DAMMIT David! (he was about 3) 

From a very young age he would slap himself around in the other room and blame it on his brother so he'd get in trouble...It took me several years to actually catch him at it...Little shit...

Also from about age 3,  I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him in front of the TV watching slasher movies, TOTALLY engrossed in them...

He was probably about 4 when my sister in law was leaving my house and screamed from outside, "OMG, Vicki...David is balancing on his stomach out the upstairs window!"  

Another time he decided to fix his dresser drawers so he could walk up them and turn on the tv...Yep, dresser on him, tv missed him...
I'd caught him "playing" in the dryer and another time sitting all hunched over in the cat cage with the cat and several kittens...I had a hell of a time getting him out through the small opening...

So, no, he wasn't bad, just curious and intent on giving me a heart attack!

Another time, again at the drive-in, we had taken the kids to see E.T....They both watched so intensly, didn't talk or fight... nice...At the end, David BUSTS out in crocodile tears and gasps, "WHY... did you bring me to see this!" He was mad at me for days...

Call from Jr. High school..."David is laying UNDER the table and won't come out."
Me: "Well, what the fuck do you want ME to do about it, I'm working!" You have to know that I was receiving DAILY calls from his brothers school at work as well...Beaus principle and I were on a first name basis and I even had her home number! (David correct me if I'm wrong) Was it under, or ON the table???

He's a trip my David and always has been...He's so, well...just David...there is no other way to describe him...

And then theres the time he kicked at Beau and his shoe flew off and hit Beau smack in the nose...HARD...made it bleed...My motherly advice was "RUNNNN David!...GIT!!!"

2 years old...shopping with David in the cart...An old lady approaches and says, "what an adorable baby"...Before I could say thank you David says, "Go suck a lemon." 

4 years old..waiting in Dr. office in Detroit...Long wait when suddenly David says in his loud and demanding voice, "I can't be in here with all these Ni**ers any more!" Yep, we left and transferred to a suburban office...

In his young years I had him in the Christian School where his aunt taught...She was also his bus driver and of course highly religous...When she got him home, before he got off of the bus she said sweetly, "so David, what is your teachers name?" He hesitated and then slowly replied..."ASSSS-hole!" (age 5) 

When we lived in Detroit we had a very large Bovier (dog)...When kids came down our dead end street that David didn't like he'd let him loose and laugh his ass of as he watched the little thugs jump up on cars, screaming like girls...

He's been a good kid, this man of mine...I've never claimed to be a perfect mother, I've made some HUGE mistakes and if I could change them I would...David has had it rougher than many but better than many too, his course of life defined by poverty and family addiction...He has love and compassion, he is the voice of reason when he needs to be and he has the temper of a mad man, but it's over before you know it...

David has always been the SINGLE steady force in my life...We have each others backs, forever and always and no matter
what...Love you Babe and Happy Birthday!