Dear David...

I know that you watch me as I ditty bop along pretending to be fine and I know that you know that I'm not fine...Life is so painful now, more than it's ever been...Everything triggers my tears,
TV, music, smells, foods, pics...today I was "ok" until I opened the Kohls catalog and saw the Christmas stuff...How am I supposed to get through this? For the first time ever I'm not decorating this year, probably never again as I always did it for you...How can I hold your stocking or see the ornaments that you made for me as a child...No more are the big dinners, the shopping, the quest to find you the newest electronic gadget...Holidays hold nothing for me now...
I know you watch me as I sob uncontrollably and you want me to be happy...How? How do I do this without you in my world...
And then there's your dad...As much as I've bashed him for being a dick I know you are shining down on him now...He has completely changed since you left...I now see a man who holds in his own tears to take care of me...He now does everything that I should be doing because I'm not functional enough...
For the first time in our lives, he nurtures me and knows that my pain is deep and unending...He is tearing that wall of resentment down brick by brick, the trust is trying to break through but I'm not there yet...
I'm still pissed at God if there is one...No one has convinced me yet but I hope there is and that he is taking care of you. I still can't wrap my mind around you being gone, forever and ever...It's not suppose to be like this...What "God" would take a wonderful man away from those who loved him? and friends, Please lets not get into the God thing...I don't have the strength...
I'm signing off now, I was hoping that writing would help my pain but I continue to cry...I love you Baby Boy!!!