Why, Why, Why???

This is a tender topic for many but in my quest to understand, I reach out...Forgive me if I hold bitterness in my heart, I know not, how to let go...
The topic is God...Who is he, where is he, what is he??? I wasn't brought up in a religious household...Just told that I was Baptist...Went to church a few times with mom but the LAST time is when she left me there...ALONE...I went batshit crazy...
I happened to marry into a religious family...I sent my boys to church mostly with gramma to give them "the choice"...I would go when they were performing in plays and such, but no more than that...When they wanted to be done with church, I let them...Both had been involved for several years...
I have questions, lots of them and I've heard that you are not supposed to question but...
What God allows a small child to be molested many times over by many different men?
What God allows you to become a 12 year old addict?
What God allows you to lose your first born child after 20 years?
What God allows you to feel real, undying love for 7 weeks and then snatches it away?
What God allows your heart to be broken over and over again?
I could list a million more questions but I'll save you the time...Do I believe in God? I want to...The closest I ever felt to Him was when I was looking at the Pacific Ocean for the first time...and nature in general always brings me closer...I feel that I'm spiritual rather than religious...I feel the pain of others and that is not a bad trait to have...I'm loving and kind (for the most part) but severely depressed with anxiety and confusion mixed in...I don't know why I'm here anymore, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere...I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I don't know what I want...I'll be 60 in March and I've battled for everything in my life...NOTHING has come easy...and NO, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME! This has been my battle and it has made me stronger, know that I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to, but 2 breakdowns have left me fragile and weak at times and I HATE that...I know if my brother Rob reads this he is going to be all over me...He KNOWS God...Sorry babe, just searching for answers...