Where I stand today

I like to write, to blog and I haven't done it in far too long...It is therapeutic for me to document my thoughts and it is huge that I share them with you...I'm so private, it amazes me too...
I haven't blogged because I've been living deep down in the hole of depression for almost 2 years...Yup 2 years in June since we lost our David...Although I tried time and time again, I'd climb up towards the light and fall back down...Very frustrating...
As many of you know, I did some wild and crazy shit when he died and stayed in that mode for several months...I won't go into detail here because I'm not there anymore...I've reached the light and stepped away from the hole...Now that's not to say that I did it alone, my loved ones pushed and pulled and never let go and to them I am so thankful...I didn't WANT to live back then but was too scared to opt out...
So I'm out of the hole, now what? I don't have a clue what to do with the rest of my life, wish I could still work, it would make it so much easier...Just because I'm out of the hole doesn't mean that I stopped missing David...I miss him every day and I "hear" him talk to me...I knew him so well that I know his remarks and responses...Like the other day, all the way to the cross he kept telling me "Mom, don't go there, I'm not there, I'm in your heart." But NOPE, I didn't listen and he pushed me down, VERY gently and then picked me back up...Sound crazy? Sorry, only expressing my reality...I must believe that my boys walk with me or I will lose my mind...I have no direction now and feel lost, I feel like time is ticking and I need to DO something, make a decision, live life and love it...I'm not there yet, I'm still blinking from the light...

Firsts...

Dear David,
Firsts is a strange word and not one that you think of in daily life, but since you left, firsts have popped into my life like a whirlwind...There's that first birthday after you left and the first Thanksgiving and today the first snow...We shared our love of snow but this snow is different for me...It makes me incredibly sad that you are not here to share it with...It holds not beauty but sadness, no sparkle, no merry, nothing...and the stores, the decorations that I once loved hold no purpose for me know...They don't make me smile, take pics or approach...It's all just stuff...
As I'm sure you know I didn't decorate for Christmas this year...Oh I put up a tiny tree and scattered a few things around but not the show case that you grew up with...You said one time it looked like a Hallmark store, the utmost of compliments...Stuff...
I finally dreamed of you last night...Short but enough to rip me up for the day...I want to CHERISH those dreams, maybe I'm still too raw...
It's lonely here without you, no more friends stopping by, no more laughter, no more feuds...Just me and dad, struggling to move on...I can't even stand to THINK of Christmas...Although we will spend it with loved ones, you won't be there...The holidays are the only times that I KNEW you'd be home and I have wonderful memories of all of us together...
Your cats miss you, your boy immediately loves up on me as soon as I open the door and looks for you in the bath tub...and he still weighs a ton...
I felt this need to write and I feel a little better...Dumb, I know, writing to a computer but you know how writing relaxes me and I want people to know all about you, your likes, your loves, your wit...Love you! Mom

Dear David...

I know that you watch me as I ditty bop along pretending to be fine and I know that you know that I'm not fine...Life is so painful now, more than it's ever been...Everything triggers my tears,
TV, music, smells, foods, pics...today I was "ok" until I opened the Kohls catalog and saw the Christmas stuff...How am I supposed to get through this? For the first time ever I'm not decorating this year, probably never again as I always did it for you...How can I hold your stocking or see the ornaments that you made for me as a child...No more are the big dinners, the shopping, the quest to find you the newest electronic gadget...Holidays hold nothing for me now...
I know you watch me as I sob uncontrollably and you want me to be happy...How? How do I do this without you in my world...
And then there's your dad...As much as I've bashed him for being a dick I know you are shining down on him now...He has completely changed since you left...I now see a man who holds in his own tears to take care of me...He now does everything that I should be doing because I'm not functional enough...
For the first time in our lives, he nurtures me and knows that my pain is deep and unending...He is tearing that wall of resentment down brick by brick, the trust is trying to break through but I'm not there yet...
I'm still pissed at God if there is one...No one has convinced me yet but I hope there is and that he is taking care of you. I still can't wrap my mind around you being gone, forever and ever...It's not suppose to be like this...What "God" would take a wonderful man away from those who loved him? and friends, Please lets not get into the God thing...I don't have the strength...
I'm signing off now, I was hoping that writing would help my pain but I continue to cry...I love you Baby Boy!!!

Dear

Why, Why, Why???

This is a tender topic for many but in my quest to understand, I reach out...Forgive me if I hold bitterness in my heart, I know not, how to let go...
The topic is God...Who is he, where is he, what is he??? I wasn't brought up in a religious household...Just told that I was Baptist...Went to church a few times with mom but the LAST time is when she left me there...ALONE...I went batshit crazy...
I happened to marry into a religious family...I sent my boys to church mostly with gramma to give them "the choice"...I would go when they were performing in plays and such, but no more than that...When they wanted to be done with church, I let them...Both had been involved for several years...
I have questions, lots of them and I've heard that you are not supposed to question but...
What God allows a small child to be molested many times over by many different men?
What God allows you to become a 12 year old addict?
What God allows you to lose your first born child after 20 years?
What God allows you to feel real, undying love for 7 weeks and then snatches it away?
What God allows your heart to be broken over and over again?
I could list a million more questions but I'll save you the time...Do I believe in God? I want to...The closest I ever felt to Him was when I was looking at the Pacific Ocean for the first time...and nature in general always brings me closer...I feel that I'm spiritual rather than religious...I feel the pain of others and that is not a bad trait to have...I'm loving and kind (for the most part) but severely depressed with anxiety and confusion mixed in...I don't know why I'm here anymore, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere...I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I don't know what I want...I'll be 60 in March and I've battled for everything in my life...NOTHING has come easy...and NO, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME! This has been my battle and it has made me stronger, know that I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to, but 2 breakdowns have left me fragile and weak at times and I HATE that...I know if my brother Rob reads this he is going to be all over me...He KNOWS God...Sorry babe, just searching for answers...

Easter 2012

My sweet and lovely cousin Donna recently pointed out to me that I don't blog nearly enough...Quite honestly, I've been so blue lately that I can't even think straight. I share enough of that on Facebook and always get the support and love that I so need...But I'd like my blogs to be positive and upbeat...That is nearly impossible when you are crying and sad...Today is Easter and my emotions are all over the place...

Let me go back to 1991...My mom had passed the previous September, at my home, in my spare bedroom...Although I had all of her equipment removed from her room I left the door shut never even to peek in...One of my boys was in an Easter play at church and although I'm not a church goer this particular service had really hit home. When we got home, I changed my clothes and stood in front of moms door, head down, scared, procrastinating...Ok, 1-2-3- quickly run in and shut the door behind me...It took me to my knees, the smell, my mom, she was there with me! I'm not sure how long I stayed in there just breathing her in...There was no furniture so I sat up against the wall on the floor...I was in there long enough to wonder if I was crazy, I kept thinking "this is just stupid"...I guess I was gone long enough that my boys were looking for me...The door opens and in walks my oldest son Beau (RIP baby) and before I could say a word he said, "Oh my God, it smells like Gramma Betty in here!"...Of course I crumpled into a sobbing ball as he sat down beside me, finally got up and made our dinner...

Fast forward to 1994...My oldest son had passed away in January of this year...Hubby and I were separated, he and my young son living down south (I'm am sooooo very sorry David!) I had a good job, my own little apartment, lots of friends, had just discovered ceramics...life was decent...I loved to cook so and I'd always cooked for 4 so I loved having friends over for dinner as there was always more than enough...One Easter Sunday I invited another single girlfriend over for dinner...Now mind you I had lived in the apartment for 6 months, highly decorated as I like etc....One shelf on my living room wall held a picture of Beau and about 6 other misc items...We were eating dinner when suddenly the shelf swooped down, hanging by one nail and EVERYTHING except Beaus picture fell off...Of course I lost it...But I couldn't have had a better person there with me as she had recently lost a son as well so she totally got it as I explained to her...So much for dinner...I left that shelf like that for days and he stayed...

Easter 2011
My wonderful sister Patty loses her life to cancer...What a perfect day for her to leave...She was one of the strongest forces in my life, she was wild and crazy and smart and positive, sweet and loving and took shit from no one...I was blessed to have her visit me the summer before and it was the first she'd told me that she was stage 3...Her in AZ fighting for her life and me In MI, I stayed in as close touch as I could...She went through so much...While she was here she turned me on to some of her favorite websites, "things that make me laugh," she said...She blogged her entire 2 year long personal hell and never lost faith, never complained, never lost her ability to fight...I go back and read through her blogs to give myself courage and strength...It seems that I am there often lately...She is in my heart, loud and clear today as are Beau and my mom...I miss you all so very much...

I apologize if this blog saddened you on a happy day...Blame Donna... ;-)
and Donna? Thank you! I have stopped crying since writing this and am moving forward in my day...I love you!

Letting Go...

On the 18th of February it will have been one year since my cousin and I made the hasty decision to pack up the car and drive 1700 miles flatass broke to see my dying sister in Phoenix...We couldn't stay but 2 days and even at that we had to pay an arm and a leg for the extra day on the car rental...But to me it was all worth it...The trip was rough not only on my back but sleeping in the car and eating off dollar menus, still worth it because a whole new world opened up for me. Not only did Donna (cuz) insist that we spend and hour in Albuquerque NM , which I enjoyed immensley, but I was heading into another side of my family whom I'd never met...My dads family. I'd only known Patty who found me in the internet 11 years ago...We met and bonded deeply and immediately...She let her family know that she was in touch with me but they, for whatever reasons, didn't want any contact with me...Except Rob, we had been writing back and forth for years and are also bound at the heart...
    Patty had told me right off not to expect to hear from anyone else. After Patty told me this I said, that's fine...I'm perfectly content knowing you and Rob but was still hurt and confused by their actions. So when Donna and I made this trip, I was driving into unknown territory...How would they react to me? I was a wreck the entire trip, she'd even asked me several times if I wanted to turn around and go home...Yes I did, but wouldn't...I HAD to see Patty, no matter what...She was nearing her end...
    Let me say here that I have blogged about this trip pretty much entirely if you want to go back and catch up...I had also, in detail, documented her dying process...I decided not to blog it because I just can't...It's ugly and horrible and nobodies business.
    Donna and I got there at 1am...Lost in downtown Phoenix and Donna gets a text that we can't stay at the relatives house that had said we could...Shit...We have to find a motel room and use up our gas money to rent it. (We were BOTH waiting for our taxes to hit the banks) We had left home with $700,00 between us and she put the car rental on her charge...Hardly enough for a 3400 mile round trip IF our taxes didn't hit the bank...So we slept in the car, in a truck stop, in a hotel parking lot etc...But we did it and I am so proud of us...
    I won't go into detail here because I've already blogged it but I was met with open arms, from everyone, they said they loved me and "we don't do halves", you are our sister, period...I was so comforted that these wonderful people have accepted me. I feel like I'm wrapped in a cocoon of love...
    We stayed our 2 days and returned home on Feb 26th...(For the record, the second day on the road our checks hit the bank...figures...) But I needed more of this loving new family so as quickly as I could I planned another trip, alone, flying out (which I HATE), one way and even broker than last time...Left on March 11th...I could only afford to fly one way and I had decided to stay until Pattys end...
    That ended up being 7 short weeks...

    Again, I was welcomed with open arms...Spent some truly incredible time with my "new" siblings...Each one treated me like I was a queen...Their mom embraced me immediately and announce, "I have another daughter"..The love, oh, the love...Patty had been in and out of the hospital since being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer on her birthday 2 years prior. But she had also made a 3 week trip around the country visiting her loved ones...I was one of the lucky ones...She spent 3 full days here and I cherish those memories...At this point I had NO idea she was stage 3, until she got here and told me...She was much stronger than I as we held hands and I balled...Her mind set was "you can cry when I'm dead, I ain't dead yet" and she'd said it many times...She had cleared her mind while she was traveling and when she got home she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back home so her mom could care for her...And what a wonderful job she did...What an incredible woman! All moms could take lessons from her...
    The 7 weeks I was there she was home except for a 5 day stay in Hospice...We threw her a huge party with a bagpiper and band and Irish whiskey...We all went to CA together for her birthday...(see blogs) Bonding, bonding...What a fabulous family I belong to...
    I'll never regret taking that trip. It put me in a world that I'd never been in...Acceptance...I had never felt like I really BELONGED anywhere having been adopted...But my entire soul belonged with these people...
    Fast forward one year...I stayed in touch with everyone after I came home, calling them every couple of weeks, mom included... After a few months it dawned on me that I was doing all of the calling, except for Rob no one had called me...So I stopped calling but continued to try and stay in touch online...No go, no responses to my comments...It's beginning to hurt...Let it go I tell myself, but I don't WANT to..I WANT them to love me! So yesterday I made one last attempt, only to be ignored...The pain is so bad I can't even describe it...Stupid me, setting myself up for disappointment once again...shame on me, when will I ever learn...
    I just don't know what to think...I was genuine in my love for them and completely open and honest...I felt like mom and I even bonded. God, it felt good to have a mom again, we'd talk for hours, about everything...Maybe I overstayed my welcome, maybe they all went through the motions for Patty because after all, it was her that wanted me there. I feel I've been cast aside and forgotten...It hurts, real bad...
    But I will move on, I will overcome this pain inside. I can't let it break me or I will die...I cry when I need to and break things when I need to...What else is there?

    Please take the time to read Pattys blogs as well...She left us on Easter Sunday last year and she went out like the warrior that she was...RIP baby, I miss you so much...   

Pattys Blogs
    http://pateeta-shadesofblue.blogspot.com