Tug-O-War... Part 3

I know I know, this makes the 3rd post I've made about my depression progress so if you are all bored with it, feel free to move on...No hard feelings...

    This bout with the black hole is stretching on way too long, going on 3 months now...I struggle every day to keep positive, have positive thoughts but at times the old me slips in...Yes, I am trying to remake myself...I don't like the negative me and I'm hell to live with when I'm like that...and yes, I've come REALLY far in 3 months from staying in bed and sleeping 24/7, crying at every waking moment, not eating, not showering, not combing my hair, never leaving the house and the "saftey" of my bedroom. I was a total train wreck when it began.
Today I get up, say hi to my FB friends, take my shower and plan my day...Only one problem here, some days I still don't want to do anything...Just sit and stare like a bump on a log...and think..Thinking can REALLY stir up the shit in my head. I'm still getting confused and unfocused but not nearly as bad as in the beginning...

    Yesterday was good, I kept busy all day and actually accomplished some things...The day before was WONDERFUL as I spent the day  with my BFF...So I'd say my days are about 60/40 of good to bad...I'm winning the battle, just not the war...yet...

    The thing I hate the most about depression is that it can last for months, and for months I fight back, it's exhausting at times and I finally reach the end and in a split second it can come back anytime it wants and over extend it's stay...Along with depression I have Social Anxiety...I've always had it, even when I was small...Don't like crowds, don't mingle well, don't have the "gift of gab", don't like people behind me in any situation, kinda the wall flower type with a Pitbull temper...Don't fuck with me or mine and all will be fine...

    And so today, as my brain has been looking forward to the party I am to attend, I have chickened out...Not going...Not far enough in my recovery process to handle a bunch of strangers...I will drop off her gift early and lie to her...Later I will tell her the truth...Sorry Anna but there are just some things that I hate to admit and "mental illness" is at the top of the list...

    I'm still going to venture out and run some errands, early, like NOW, before the crowds hit the stores and then I will stay home, safe and find something to do...I STILL haven't power cleaned that kitchen or I could paint...Whatever,  I'm determined to stay positive today...Healing, one inch at a time...
I love you all...

Update..."Tug-O-War"

My last blog was almost a month ago and I want to share my progress. It's been slow moving, for sure...One step forward, two steps back...
I've been really concentrating on thinking positive thoughts but some days the negative just takes over and I can't seem to shake it off. Isn't that how it's "supposed" to be? Up and down, up and down...or is that Bi-Polar?
I haven't actually been diagnosed with it but am certainly taking all the meds for it...Mental Disorder...I have a problem with that concept and always have...Society stigmatizes you for it, or being fat, or diabled, or ugly...Society sucks actually and just yesterday I went OFF on hubby as he tried to drag me to a personal business meeting...FUCK NO! I WON"T GO..."I HATE dealing with people, fuck, I don't even LIKE people and after 38 years I'd think you'd know that," I screamed at him...I so dislike getting like that...It means I've lost control of me but I have SO much on my plate right now since his heart attack and forms and searching for shit, faxing, writing letters, researching, dispensing pills in dosages not only for him but for his mother and myself too...While he sits in his chair and watches TV! and tells me VERY UNconvincingly how grateful he is...Yeah, right, just fuck off...

Damn, got off track there but it feels good to vent...So anyway, I've started painting again and lose myself for hours, but I still have the kitchen to power clean before I can say "done." It's taken me so long to spring clean this year that the 1st room is getting webby again already...It's not entirely my fault, it's been a circumstance thing...First I was in AZ for 7 weeks in the spring loving my new family but losing my sissi , then I was home 5 days and my brother died. Then a month to the day later hubby had 2 heart attacks.  It's been a constant whirlwind of Dr.s, rehab, re-checks, and mounds of paperwork which I threw all in a pile and tried to ignore...All things considered I've been ok, not so depressed now but edgy...I always get edgy when the bills aren't paid and with him not working they are piling up...
My biggest fear in life is to be homeless, so I fight with everything I've got to make sure that doesn't happen...I got my shit together the last few days and made some phone calls and got some bills dropped down...Made arrangements with others and still have a couple bucks left for food...Yay me, I actually FUNCTIONED! But would you think anyone here would notice? No, just harp on me about what NEEDS to be done, while you sit in your chair and watch tv...
Now I have to admit he's getting better about cleaning up the kitchen lately but it's only because he doesn't want me to "blow"...I don't even want me to blow...No one does, it's not a pretty site and it's yet another thing that I'm working on...
Some good friends have sent me some good reading on self help...It's helped me before so I'm using it again...I'm really trying here...
Another thing is the atmosphere here...Hubby is grumpy and snappy 95% of the time...I've now graduated to just silently getting up, gathering my stuff, cigs, phone, ipod, water and shut myself in my room...I love my room and he leaves me alone...My "voice of reason" son David actually got a little peeved the other day when that happened and came in my room and said, "Mom, don't you EVER let him run you out of a room." I said "that's not it, I CHOOSE not to deal with him when he gets that way." He's been "that way" 2 days this week already...But I've graduated from feeding into him wanting to argue to just walking away...When it's not so frickin' hot I sit out on the deck and read...Perfectly content and let him sit inside and be miserable all by himself...
Yeah, so they're baby steps but going in the right direction...I am still working on not letting outside sources get me upset...It's so hard on me because I worry about EVERYONE, and have zero control over their situations...
Years ago I had a "friend" who said to me, "will you take the Godamned "may I help you" badge off for a day? I said, "you don't seem to mind it when it benefits you." We are no longer friends...
I have so much heart to give but it's pathetically sad when it goes unnoticed.
Shame on them...
Love you all and thanks for taking the time to read my blog...