The Story of David

 

Wow, it's been 33 years since we found our David behind the dumpster at the clubhouse, at least that's what we always told him...
When he was around 3 he very seriously, as he usually was, came to me with his big blue eyes and said "Mom, am I a dot?"  Me: "Uhhh, what do you mean, "a dot"...Him: "Beau said I'm a dot."  Me: "Well you're not a dot." Beau was in school so I couldn't immediately question him but when I did he finally admitted that he told David that he was adopted! 

David was the best kid a mom could ask for, not just because he's mine but because he was. The kids and I struggled as I worked 60 and 70 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads...At times I'd pay a sitter to send them to school because I had to start work at 5am...This ended (the sitter thing) when I came home one day from work and learned that she not only DIDN'T walk him across the main street and to school but he went to school in his pajamas! Now, they were karate pajamas so that was a pretty creative way to show off his "black belt'...I fired the sitter, changed my hours at work and took them to school myself...

When they were 6 and 11 we moved into an apartment in Canton Mi...Just the 3 of us...I was so proud of David and Beau, the way they transgressed through the move...I began having problems with Beau about 6 months after we moved in...Those problems took all of my attention away from David...He began to act out too...
Call from school..."Your son was caught burying his homework in the wood chips in front of the school." HA! VERY creative, but not a good place...Then, another call...You need to come see me...(teacher) 
He informs me that when the children were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up he said, "a biker and work in a titty bar."  Me: "Great, call his father, here's his number."...

He wasn't a bad kid. I jerked him around as I dragged his brother through family counseling, drug programs, group sessions, individual counseling etc. This went on for over 4 years...He never complained, he always wanted to help me and he would do anything to make money...the asshole on the corner gave him a whole quarter to pull all of his weeds! Yeah, THAT didn't happen again and I gave him $5.00...He was about 6 years old...

He really didn't like to go spend the night at other kids houses...He'd go with his pillow and blanket and good intentions but would always come home before bedtime. I knew this so I never made plans to go out...the only people he would actually spend the night with was his grand parents...But I ALWAYS had mothers of other children tell me how well behaved he was and polite...Wait, are you talking about David McQueen? The one who will slam the door in his best friends face screaming, "I TOLD YOU I WASN'T COMING OUT!!!" Yes, David has always been David and I encouraged that...no regrets...

Way back when we were a family of four, we would take the kids to the drive in...I don't remember what we were watching but all of a sudden David falls to the floor in the back seat in a lump...I'm shaking him and freaking out for well over a minute when all of a sudden he just looks up at me and smiles...DAMMIT David! (he was about 3) 

From a very young age he would slap himself around in the other room and blame it on his brother so he'd get in trouble...It took me several years to actually catch him at it...Little shit...

Also from about age 3,  I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him in front of the TV watching slasher movies, TOTALLY engrossed in them...

He was probably about 4 when my sister in law was leaving my house and screamed from outside, "OMG, Vicki...David is balancing on his stomach out the upstairs window!"  

Another time he decided to fix his dresser drawers so he could walk up them and turn on the tv...Yep, dresser on him, tv missed him...
I'd caught him "playing" in the dryer and another time sitting all hunched over in the cat cage with the cat and several kittens...I had a hell of a time getting him out through the small opening...

So, no, he wasn't bad, just curious and intent on giving me a heart attack!

Another time, again at the drive-in, we had taken the kids to see E.T....They both watched so intensly, didn't talk or fight... nice...At the end, David BUSTS out in crocodile tears and gasps, "WHY... did you bring me to see this!" He was mad at me for days...

Call from Jr. High school..."David is laying UNDER the table and won't come out."
Me: "Well, what the fuck do you want ME to do about it, I'm working!" You have to know that I was receiving DAILY calls from his brothers school at work as well...Beaus principle and I were on a first name basis and I even had her home number! (David correct me if I'm wrong) Was it under, or ON the table???

He's a trip my David and always has been...He's so, well...just David...there is no other way to describe him...

And then theres the time he kicked at Beau and his shoe flew off and hit Beau smack in the nose...HARD...made it bleed...My motherly advice was "RUNNNN David!...GIT!!!"

2 years old...shopping with David in the cart...An old lady approaches and says, "what an adorable baby"...Before I could say thank you David says, "Go suck a lemon." 

4 years old..waiting in Dr. office in Detroit...Long wait when suddenly David says in his loud and demanding voice, "I can't be in here with all these Ni**ers any more!" Yep, we left and transferred to a suburban office...

In his young years I had him in the Christian School where his aunt taught...She was also his bus driver and of course highly religous...When she got him home, before he got off of the bus she said sweetly, "so David, what is your teachers name?" He hesitated and then slowly replied..."ASSSS-hole!" (age 5) 

When we lived in Detroit we had a very large Bovier (dog)...When kids came down our dead end street that David didn't like he'd let him loose and laugh his ass of as he watched the little thugs jump up on cars, screaming like girls...

He's been a good kid, this man of mine...I've never claimed to be a perfect mother, I've made some HUGE mistakes and if I could change them I would...David has had it rougher than many but better than many too, his course of life defined by poverty and family addiction...He has love and compassion, he is the voice of reason when he needs to be and he has the temper of a mad man, but it's over before you know it...

David has always been the SINGLE steady force in my life...We have each others backs, forever and always and no matter
what...Love you Babe and Happy Birthday!

Random Thoughts

I was so looking forward to this weekend of aloneness...I crave my alone time and since hubbys heart attack I get very little...Grew up alone, raised my boys alone, lived alone once and loved it...I am by nature a very private person. Only by the encouragement and love that I get from writing am I venturing outside of my comfort zone...that's right, me, myself and I...and it's been that way since I can remember...I've always been a loner, shy and reserved, not socialized by mom...You see, she loved me so much that she wanted me all to herself...I got to stay home from school whenever I wanted, she got me out of gym and swimming because I was too shy to be in a locker room with other girls and until I was in my teens, I had very few friends...She provided me prescription diet pills when I was 11 (she was a nurse) and I was getting "chunky" after my dad died and then sleeping pills because I'd be flying so high from the diet pills I couldn't settle down to sleep at night...I began drinking at age 12...I stayed drunk until my mid 30's...
    I'm getting off track here...It seems that lately I can only handle a couple days of alone time and then I begin over anaylizing every thought and there are many...The #1 "dream" that I have is to move to Cali and be by my family...It's an impossible dream and so is very frustrating...First off I don't have the financial means to move, especially across the country...Don't have my own car, and would have to haul a trailer, find a place I can afford and then the actual expense of moving, gas, deposits etc are unending...So how do I forget this dream of mine? I need to admit to myself that it is not going to happen...
    If you have been following my blogs you know how I connected to my new found family over the course of Feb-Apr...They are constantly on my mind and I can't stand to be away from them...My heart is there...
But my biggest conflict is that my son will not move with me...We have been a team for his entire life, always always always there for each other...I joke about him thinking that he's my "dad" because he is soooo protective over me but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way...I won't leave him behind, and he won't go...
    I'm trying to save so that I can fly out to Cali, see my brother and sis, rent a car and drive down to Phoenix and see the rest of my family...But am I going to drop into another depression when I have to come back? Probably, that's the way my body copes...Depression, anxiety, pills pills and more pills, just to keep me functioning without going over the edge...and at times even those don't work...
    I feel that I'm coming out of this last depression...Next was the anxiety, which I'm still not completely over but working hard on it but today is the sadness...JUST FUCKING GO AWAY SADNESS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

    Well, I took a break and talked to my Sissi Teresa...She always makes me feel better but she's on my ass too...I guess sometimes I need it...I made the mistake of telling her that I've been blacking out lately and she made me PROMISE to go to the Dr. I don't WANT to go to the Dr...I've just recently gotten the best medical report I've had in 25 years and I DON'T want something to be wrong...The blackouts just last a second, no bg deal, but after she got on me about it I promised her I'd go...Fuck...I NEVER break promises unless something tragic has come up...I'll go...
Guess I've bored you long enough, sorry but I always feel better when I write...I love you all and thank you for standing by me...

    The following pic is a good example of my Social Anxiety Disorder...After winning an award for the silly "how to hold your lunch tray" picture that I drew, I was horrified when I had to stand up and show it...I delibratly never "won" anything again at school...I would flunk out of a class because I wouldn't get up in front of the classroom...It all goes hand in hand with anxiety...Look how I won't get too close to the others...sad...I'm on the far right...NEVER TRUST ANYONE!!! and still today, it takes a lot to allow myself to trust...

Tug-O-War... Part 3

I know I know, this makes the 3rd post I've made about my depression progress so if you are all bored with it, feel free to move on...No hard feelings...

    This bout with the black hole is stretching on way too long, going on 3 months now...I struggle every day to keep positive, have positive thoughts but at times the old me slips in...Yes, I am trying to remake myself...I don't like the negative me and I'm hell to live with when I'm like that...and yes, I've come REALLY far in 3 months from staying in bed and sleeping 24/7, crying at every waking moment, not eating, not showering, not combing my hair, never leaving the house and the "saftey" of my bedroom. I was a total train wreck when it began.
Today I get up, say hi to my FB friends, take my shower and plan my day...Only one problem here, some days I still don't want to do anything...Just sit and stare like a bump on a log...and think..Thinking can REALLY stir up the shit in my head. I'm still getting confused and unfocused but not nearly as bad as in the beginning...

    Yesterday was good, I kept busy all day and actually accomplished some things...The day before was WONDERFUL as I spent the day  with my BFF...So I'd say my days are about 60/40 of good to bad...I'm winning the battle, just not the war...yet...

    The thing I hate the most about depression is that it can last for months, and for months I fight back, it's exhausting at times and I finally reach the end and in a split second it can come back anytime it wants and over extend it's stay...Along with depression I have Social Anxiety...I've always had it, even when I was small...Don't like crowds, don't mingle well, don't have the "gift of gab", don't like people behind me in any situation, kinda the wall flower type with a Pitbull temper...Don't fuck with me or mine and all will be fine...

    And so today, as my brain has been looking forward to the party I am to attend, I have chickened out...Not going...Not far enough in my recovery process to handle a bunch of strangers...I will drop off her gift early and lie to her...Later I will tell her the truth...Sorry Anna but there are just some things that I hate to admit and "mental illness" is at the top of the list...

    I'm still going to venture out and run some errands, early, like NOW, before the crowds hit the stores and then I will stay home, safe and find something to do...I STILL haven't power cleaned that kitchen or I could paint...Whatever,  I'm determined to stay positive today...Healing, one inch at a time...
I love you all...

Update..."Tug-O-War"

My last blog was almost a month ago and I want to share my progress. It's been slow moving, for sure...One step forward, two steps back...
I've been really concentrating on thinking positive thoughts but some days the negative just takes over and I can't seem to shake it off. Isn't that how it's "supposed" to be? Up and down, up and down...or is that Bi-Polar?
I haven't actually been diagnosed with it but am certainly taking all the meds for it...Mental Disorder...I have a problem with that concept and always have...Society stigmatizes you for it, or being fat, or diabled, or ugly...Society sucks actually and just yesterday I went OFF on hubby as he tried to drag me to a personal business meeting...FUCK NO! I WON"T GO..."I HATE dealing with people, fuck, I don't even LIKE people and after 38 years I'd think you'd know that," I screamed at him...I so dislike getting like that...It means I've lost control of me but I have SO much on my plate right now since his heart attack and forms and searching for shit, faxing, writing letters, researching, dispensing pills in dosages not only for him but for his mother and myself too...While he sits in his chair and watches TV! and tells me VERY UNconvincingly how grateful he is...Yeah, right, just fuck off...

Damn, got off track there but it feels good to vent...So anyway, I've started painting again and lose myself for hours, but I still have the kitchen to power clean before I can say "done." It's taken me so long to spring clean this year that the 1st room is getting webby again already...It's not entirely my fault, it's been a circumstance thing...First I was in AZ for 7 weeks in the spring loving my new family but losing my sissi , then I was home 5 days and my brother died. Then a month to the day later hubby had 2 heart attacks.  It's been a constant whirlwind of Dr.s, rehab, re-checks, and mounds of paperwork which I threw all in a pile and tried to ignore...All things considered I've been ok, not so depressed now but edgy...I always get edgy when the bills aren't paid and with him not working they are piling up...
My biggest fear in life is to be homeless, so I fight with everything I've got to make sure that doesn't happen...I got my shit together the last few days and made some phone calls and got some bills dropped down...Made arrangements with others and still have a couple bucks left for food...Yay me, I actually FUNCTIONED! But would you think anyone here would notice? No, just harp on me about what NEEDS to be done, while you sit in your chair and watch tv...
Now I have to admit he's getting better about cleaning up the kitchen lately but it's only because he doesn't want me to "blow"...I don't even want me to blow...No one does, it's not a pretty site and it's yet another thing that I'm working on...
Some good friends have sent me some good reading on self help...It's helped me before so I'm using it again...I'm really trying here...
Another thing is the atmosphere here...Hubby is grumpy and snappy 95% of the time...I've now graduated to just silently getting up, gathering my stuff, cigs, phone, ipod, water and shut myself in my room...I love my room and he leaves me alone...My "voice of reason" son David actually got a little peeved the other day when that happened and came in my room and said, "Mom, don't you EVER let him run you out of a room." I said "that's not it, I CHOOSE not to deal with him when he gets that way." He's been "that way" 2 days this week already...But I've graduated from feeding into him wanting to argue to just walking away...When it's not so frickin' hot I sit out on the deck and read...Perfectly content and let him sit inside and be miserable all by himself...
Yeah, so they're baby steps but going in the right direction...I am still working on not letting outside sources get me upset...It's so hard on me because I worry about EVERYONE, and have zero control over their situations...
Years ago I had a "friend" who said to me, "will you take the Godamned "may I help you" badge off for a day? I said, "you don't seem to mind it when it benefits you." We are no longer friends...
I have so much heart to give but it's pathetically sad when it goes unnoticed.
Shame on them...
Love you all and thanks for taking the time to read my blog...