Saturday, December 14, 2013

Firsts...

Dear David,
Firsts is a strange word and not one that you think of in daily life, but since you left, firsts have popped into my life like a whirlwind...There's that first birthday after you left and the first Thanksgiving and today the first snow...We shared our love of snow but this snow is different for me...It makes me incredibly sad that you are not here to share it with...It holds not beauty but sadness, no sparkle, no merry, nothing...and the stores, the decorations that I once loved hold no purpose for me know...They don't make me smile, take pics or approach...It's all just stuff...
As I'm sure you know I didn't decorate for Christmas this year...Oh I put up a tiny tree and scattered a few things around but not the show case that you grew up with...You said one time it looked like a Hallmark store, the utmost of compliments...Stuff...
I finally dreamed of you last night...Short but enough to rip me up for the day...I want to CHERISH those dreams, maybe I'm still too raw...
It's lonely here without you, no more friends stopping by, no more laughter, no more feuds...Just me and dad, struggling to move on...I can't even stand to THINK of Christmas...Although we will spend it with loved ones, you won't be there...The holidays are the only times that I KNEW you'd be home and I have wonderful memories of all of us together...
Your cats miss you, your boy immediately loves up on me as soon as I open the door and looks for you in the bath tub...and he still weighs a ton...
I felt this need to write and I feel a little better...Dumb, I know, writing to a computer but you know how writing relaxes me and I want people to know all about you, your likes, your loves, your wit...Love you! Mom

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Dear David...

I know that you watch me as I ditty bop along pretending to be fine and I know that you know that I'm not fine...Life is so painful now, more than it's ever been...Everything triggers my tears,
TV, music, smells, foods, pics...today I was "ok" until I opened the Kohls catalog and saw the Christmas stuff...How am I supposed to get through this? For the first time ever I'm not decorating this year, probably never again as I always did it for you...How can I hold your stocking or see the ornaments that you made for me as a child...No more are the big dinners, the shopping, the quest to find you the newest electronic gadget...Holidays hold nothing for me now...
I know you watch me as I sob uncontrollably and you want me to be happy...How? How do I do this without you in my world...
And then there's your dad...As much as I've bashed him for being a dick I know you are shining down on him now...He has completely changed since you left...I now see a man who holds in his own tears to take care of me...He now does everything that I should be doing because I'm not functional enough...
For the first time in our lives, he nurtures me and knows that my pain is deep and unending...He is tearing that wall of resentment down brick by brick, the trust is trying to break through but I'm not there yet...
I'm still pissed at God if there is one...No one has convinced me yet but I hope there is and that he is taking care of you. I still can't wrap my mind around you being gone, forever and ever...It's not suppose to be like this...What "God" would take a wonderful man away from those who loved him? and friends, Please lets not get into the God thing...I don't have the strength...
I'm signing off now, I was hoping that writing would help my pain but I continue to cry...I love you Baby Boy!!!


Dear