On the 18th of February it will have been one year since my cousin and I made the hasty decision to pack up the car and drive 1700 miles flatass broke to see my dying sister in Phoenix...We couldn't stay but 2 days and even at that we had to pay an arm and a leg for the extra day on the car rental...But to me it was all worth it...The trip was rough not only on my back but sleeping in the car and eating off dollar menus, still worth it because a whole new world opened up for me. Not only did Donna (cuz) insist that we spend and hour in Albuquerque NM , which I enjoyed immensley, but I was heading into another side of my family whom I'd never met...My dads family. I'd only known Patty who found me in the internet 11 years ago...We met and bonded deeply and immediately...She let her family know that she was in touch with me but they, for whatever reasons, didn't want any contact with me...Except Rob, we had been writing back and forth for years and are also bound at the heart...
Patty had told me right off not to expect to hear from anyone else. After Patty told me this I said, that's fine...I'm perfectly content knowing you and Rob but was still hurt and confused by their actions. So when Donna and I made this trip, I was driving into unknown territory...How would they react to me? I was a wreck the entire trip, she'd even asked me several times if I wanted to turn around and go home...Yes I did, but wouldn't...I HAD to see Patty, no matter what...She was nearing her end...
Let me say here that I have blogged about this trip pretty much entirely if you want to go back and catch up...I had also, in detail, documented her dying process...I decided not to blog it because I just can't...It's ugly and horrible and nobodies business.
Donna and I got there at 1am...Lost in downtown Phoenix and Donna gets a text that we can't stay at the relatives house that had said we could...Shit...We have to find a motel room and use up our gas money to rent it. (We were BOTH waiting for our taxes to hit the banks) We had left home with $700,00 between us and she put the car rental on her charge...Hardly enough for a 3400 mile round trip IF our taxes didn't hit the bank...So we slept in the car, in a truck stop, in a hotel parking lot etc...But we did it and I am so proud of us...
I won't go into detail here because I've already blogged it but I was met with open arms, from everyone, they said they loved me and "we don't do halves", you are our sister, period...I was so comforted that these wonderful people have accepted me. I feel like I'm wrapped in a cocoon of love...
We stayed our 2 days and returned home on Feb 26th...(For the record, the second day on the road our checks hit the bank...figures...) But I needed more of this loving new family so as quickly as I could I planned another trip, alone, flying out (which I HATE), one way and even broker than last time...Left on March 11th...I could only afford to fly one way and I had decided to stay until Pattys end...
That ended up being 7 short weeks...
Again, I was welcomed with open arms...Spent some truly incredible time with my "new" siblings...Each one treated me like I was a queen...Their mom embraced me immediately and announce, "I have another daughter"..The love, oh, the love...Patty had been in and out of the hospital since being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer on her birthday 2 years prior. But she had also made a 3 week trip around the country visiting her loved ones...I was one of the lucky ones...She spent 3 full days here and I cherish those memories...At this point I had NO idea she was stage 3, until she got here and told me...She was much stronger than I as we held hands and I balled...Her mind set was "you can cry when I'm dead, I ain't dead yet" and she'd said it many times...She had cleared her mind while she was traveling and when she got home she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back home so her mom could care for her...And what a wonderful job she did...What an incredible woman! All moms could take lessons from her...
The 7 weeks I was there she was home except for a 5 day stay in Hospice...We threw her a huge party with a bagpiper and band and Irish whiskey...We all went to CA together for her birthday...(see blogs) Bonding, bonding...What a fabulous family I belong to...
I'll never regret taking that trip. It put me in a world that I'd never been in...Acceptance...I had never felt like I really BELONGED anywhere having been adopted...But my entire soul belonged with these people...
Fast forward one year...I stayed in touch with everyone after I came home, calling them every couple of weeks, mom included... After a few months it dawned on me that I was doing all of the calling, except for Rob no one had called me...So I stopped calling but continued to try and stay in touch online...No go, no responses to my comments...It's beginning to hurt...Let it go I tell myself, but I don't WANT to..I WANT them to love me! So yesterday I made one last attempt, only to be ignored...The pain is so bad I can't even describe it...Stupid me, setting myself up for disappointment once again...shame on me, when will I ever learn...
I just don't know what to think...I was genuine in my love for them and completely open and honest...I felt like mom and I even bonded. God, it felt good to have a mom again, we'd talk for hours, about everything...Maybe I overstayed my welcome, maybe they all went through the motions for Patty because after all, it was her that wanted me there. I feel I've been cast aside and forgotten...It hurts, real bad...
But I will move on, I will overcome this pain inside. I can't let it break me or I will die...I cry when I need to and break things when I need to...What else is there?
Please take the time to read Pattys blogs as well...She left us on Easter Sunday last year and she went out like the warrior that she was...RIP baby, I miss you so much...
Pattys Blogs
http://pateeta-shadesofblue.blogspot.com
